PREWD'S PRUNINGS

Being those portions of the Mousehold Press book 'Prewd and Prejudice' deemed too long, short, irrelevant, irregular or downright irreverent for inclusion in the original publication.

March 1905

It's a long March that has no turning.

1 March, Wednesday

(regarding viands and victuals)

Readers may be puzzled as to the precise difference between 'viands' and 'victuals'.  Nowadays the distinction tends to be overlooked, but at one time it was a matter of considerable importance.  For instance, until 1963 Ernie Spratt of the Old Goat Inn was, in fact, a 'licensed viander'.  A fierce battle reigned for many years between the vianders and the victualers.  With so many small pubs closing these days it's hard to get any interest in an argument over mere words.  In times past, however, words were thought of as far from mere.

(regarding the Pedants Revolt)

THE SIX DEMANDS OF THE PEDANTS OF TRUNCH.

1  We demand no split infinitives (which is not to say that we fail to demand any split infinitives, but rather that we demand that no infinitives shall be split).

2  We demand proper rhyming (no rhyming of 'came' and 'lane', for example).

3  We demand that all people who say that they are going to "put on the kettle" be forced to wear kettles.

4a  All advertisements in Mrs Dace's corner shop window to be vetted by a Pedants Council.  In particular they will determine the veracity of such phrases as 'very good condition' and 'as new', replacing them, if necessary, with more appropriate terms such as 'pretty average' and 'old'.

4b  In the spirit of 4a, it is clear that estate agents will be banned.

5  We no longer wish to hear ourselves referred to as a load of shits.  Therefore Bruce Kipper must right out one hundred times "The plural of shit is shit".

6  We demand the right to demand some more demands, as and when the occasion demands.

7 March, Tuesday

'Little' Carter also supplied draughts of other colours, to be taken hot or cold, specific to a number of complaints.  Sid Kipper never took any of them:

We never went to the chemist's for a draught, because we had plenty of them at home.  We had plenty of complaints at home as well, but nobody ever listened to any of them.  Our draughts were always cold, and came up through the floor boards.

As for medicine, we only had two colours.  There was a black draught and a white draught.  Mind you, if you swallowed one of them it used to cause quite a kerfuffle.  It meant nobody could play draughts for as long as it took.

But at least we know the difference between crepes and panned cakes.  The second ones you cook very quick in a frying pan, but the first ones have to be stewed for hours.  Even then the soles are usually still tough.

8 March, Wednesday

Nowadays, of course, St Just-near-Trunch receives up to the minute news via the radio.  Most people don't bother with the national stations, as they seem to have little to do with their lives.  They tend to prefer the local station, Trunch Wireless.  Broadcasting throughout the day on CB channel 33, it provided a rich mixture of local programming.  It has no more ardent listener than Sid Kipper:

My favourite programme is 'Letter From Knapton'.  It only last for quarter of an hour, but it's very interesting.  What happens is that every week this bloke writes himself a letter, exactly fifteen minutes long.  Then he bikes over to Knapton and posts it to himself.  Then, when it arrives, he reads it out on the wireless.

My late father used to like Mrs Dace's programme, 'Wash With Mother'.  Mind you, being late, he nearly always missed it.  But he did catch it now and again.  That's where he learned how to get awkward stains out of your underwear.  After that he had several pairs of O fronts.

But if you don't like those programmes there's loads more.  They have something to suit all lacks of taste.

21 March, Tuesday

I am afraid Miss Pickerel let herself down at the end.  As I went to leave she burst into tears.  Falling to the ground she clasped my ankles and begged me not to go.  Any feelings of fondness I had been experiencing were swept away by this pathetic loss of self-control.  A sharp kick on the chin soon released her grip, however.  It also served to quieten he down most effectively.

And so end Prewd's Prunings.