CRAB WARS

THE DRAMA

Sit back, and imagine you are in seat 5, row G of the Pavilion Theatre on the end of Cromer Pier.  The sea is sighing softly below you, and before your eyes the following unfolds:

act 1

The audience arrive to an empty stage, save for two or three tables (perhaps a lectern) with water glasses, jugs, and so on.  Above, and at the back of the stage, is a giant pair of crab claws, mounted on a board, with the initials R.A.D.C. (as with buffaloes, etc).  The Heckler is seated in the audience.

The play starts with the Bosun entering and ringing a bell (it might start before all the audience are seated - certainly before they are quiet.  In a formal theatre the last bell might be missed out.)

Bosun             All be upstanding.  (He waits until the audience are)  Pray be silent for the Supreme Scuttler and the Inner Legs!

Enter, in ceremonial (funny?) robes, Sheriet, Belle Bow, Ben Bow, The Chair, Captain Upspoke and Cromeo.  They process to places at tables, then turn to face the crab claws.

Chair              We will now all join in the singing of the Old Crustaceans Song.

The committee sing:

THE SONG OF THE OLD CRUSTACEANS

We'll sing the song of all like minds, of all the Old Crustaceans,

And to the king of all it's kind we'll drink a small libation;

Please spare a thought, oh crab so grand, for those in peril on the land.

 

Assembled here to do your will is all this congregation,

To call on you to cure our ills, and heal our inflammations;

Please spare a thought, oh crab so grand, for those in peril on the land.

 

etc

As the song ends they turn to face the audience.  Their hands are formed into some suitable gesture, or they perform some freemason-like activity.  The Chair raises his hands.

Chair              To audience (committee remain standing)  Please be seated.

                        Who are we?

Committee     We are the Old Crustaceans.

Chair              Why are we here?

Committee     To honour the cancerous one.

Chair              Since time immoral we have praised the crab.  And since the terrible Crab Wars we have met to honour the heroes, provide for the orphans, and to comfort the widows - that's my favourite bit.  Now we meet once again in solemn conclave.

Bosun             (To audience)  Give me a C

All                    C

(the same for R, A, B & S)

Bosun             What have we got?

All                    Crabs!

THEY SING A CHORUS SONG

                        (e.g. The Lobster and the Crab)

Oh the lobster and the crab, when they are both full grown,

Of all the creatures in the sea, the crab, it wears the crown.

The committee sit down, except for the Bosun who hovers upstage.  They may remove robes of office)

Chair              (to audience)  Welcome to this Extraordinary meeting of the Royal and Ancient Disorder of Crustaceans.  I must say that it's nice to see so many Old Crustaceans here today (indicates audience).  I only wish I could say the same about (includes a topical reference).

                        Now, we all know why we're here, but first we must deal with formal business, so we'll do that as quickly as possible.  Do we have any apologies for absence?

Sheriet           (who is acting as secretary)  Titus Kipper is otherwise detained.

Cromeo          Yes - at His Majesty's pleasure!

Chair              Order!  Any more apologies?

Heckler           (after a pause)  Mr or Ms Chairthing - Claud Cockle couldn't come, so I'm his poxy.

Chair              I don't doubt it.  Nothing serious I hope?

Heckler           If it isn't they've made a big mistake at the cemetery.

Chair              I see.  Sorry.  Any other apologies?

Ben Bow        Supreme Scuttler, I would like to apologise - for not sending my apologies to the last meeting.

Chair              But you were at the last meeting.

Ben Bow        Indeed.  That's why I didn't send my apologies.  Sorry.

Chair              No more? - good.  Now we must move on to the minutes of the last meeting.  These, as you know, have been posted on the end of Cromer Pier for the last three weeks, so you've all had a chance to read them.  I would remind you that the following were re-elected as usual.  (He points to them as he names them).  Supreme Scuttler; myself.  Recorder of the Catch; Cromeo.  Grand Gutter; Admiral Bow.  Head Boiler; Captain Upspoke.  Holder of the Pot; Belle Bow.  Santa Claws; Sheriet.

                        Now, we'll move on to a financial report from the Holder of the Pot.

Heckler           Point of information, Mr or Mrs Chairthing.  Shouldn't the report of the Grand Gutter come before the Holder of the Pot?

Chair              (Dismissively)  That is not a point of information - that's a point of order.  I rule you out of order.

Heckler           Point of order, Miss Chairthing.  The order of business is out of order.  The Grand Gutter should come before the Holder of the Pot.

Chair              Oh, very well.  Grand Gutter, your report, if you please.

Ben Bow        (rising, moving papers, grandly)  Supreme Scuttler, Inside Legs, fellow Crustaceans.  ...........  Nothing to report.

Chair              Thank you.  Now we will hear from the Holder of the Pot

Belle Bow      Thank you your Crabbiness.  Nothing to report either.

Chair              Thank you Belle.  So now we move on to the sole item on the agenda of the meeting - the presentation of the ballad opera.  For any new Old Crustaceans (indicates audience) I will fill in the background.  Last year the Inner Legs decided on your behalf that the great and glorious Crab Wars in which we all took part (indicates committee) should be commemorated in some permanent way.  As you may know, the statue of Captain Upspoke was accidentally turned into a rockery some time ago .....

Upspoke        Disgraceful!

Chair              .... and then Belle Bow's bust was defaced ........

Belle Bow      Dreadful!

Chair              ...... so that now there is no permanent memorial to the great heroes and heroines of the Crab Wars - that is, ourselves.  To rectify this shameful state of affairs we ordered a ballad opera to be written by that great local bard, Albert Smethurst, who some of you may know as the Singing Postboy.  And tonight he is to present us with the results of his labours.

                        (to the Bosun)  Bring in Smethurst.

(Committee all rise.  Smethurst is led in blindfold by the Bosun.  He has one trouser leg rolled up, and carries a book)

(Committee may sing a brief Stranger Song - to be written)

(Committee sit, except for Cromeo, who goes over to Smethurst)

Cromeo          (Ceremoniously)  I spy a stranger!

Upspoke        Alright then - what letter does it begin with?

Chair              Who speaks for this stranger in our crabby midst?

Smethurst      I can speak for myself, thank you, whoever you are.

Chair              Remove the blindfold.

(The Bosun does so)

Chair              Please remain silent until you are recognised.

Smethurst      Recognised?  You know me.  We've known each other since we went behind the stables with Mavis Blair on the Sunday School outing.  You must remember that.

Chair              Who will speak for this stranger?

Cromeo          I will speak for the stranger.

Smethurst      I didn't have this trouble when I wrote Horatio and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamboat for that other lot round the coast.

Chair              Shut up Albert.  This has to be done with the proper ceremony.

Smethurst      The pace your going the proper ceremony would be a funeral.

Chair              Why is the Stranger amongst us?

Cromeo          The Stranger's presence was requested by the council.

Chair              The chair recognises the Stranger.

Smethurst      Ah, you do remember me now, then.  Was it the bit about Mavis Blair that jogged your memory?  I'll never forget it.

Chair              Stranger, you may approach the table.

Smethurst      What, forgotten again so soon?

Chair              (ignoring him)  Do you have a ballad opera to present, Stranger?

Smethurst      Well of course I do.  That's why you invited me isn't it?  Or have you forgotten that too?

Cromeo          (across Smethurst;  grandly)  Let the ballad opera be presented!

Smethurst      (anti-climactically)  Very well, here you are then (hands over copies of book)

Chair              Is that it?

Smethurst      Well, I think so.  I think you'll find it's all there.

Chair              I meant is that the presentation?

Smethurst      Well, what did you expect?  The band of the Mundesley Dark Infantry?

Chair              No, that's fine Albert.  It's just that the punters expect a bit of a show.  Just stay there a minute while I close the meeting, then we can go for a drink.

                        (To meeting)  That being the end of planned business I am required to ask if there is any other business to be brought before this lodge, or may I close the meeting now and we can all go to the bar?

(Committee members begin to clear up papers, put on coats, etc.)

Heckler           (after a pause)  Mr or Mouse Chairthing, I would like to draw your attention to section 34 of the constitution, specifically sub-section 17d, paragraph 7.

Chair              Er ....... I'm not sure ..........

(The Bosun hurries to show him the correct section)

Chair              Of course - paragraph 7 you say?

Heckler           (perhaps reading, using torch)  Yes.  It says - and I quote: 'If, and/or but, insofar as there shall be an extraordinary meeting of the Order whereat there is present a quorum of Old Crustaceans, and if, and/or but, there shall be, to be presented to that assemblage, any ballad opera, musical, song cycle, medley, or other similar or dissimilar piece, it shall be the privilege of the members if, on a show of hands they show themselves to be so minded, to hear said piece - piece by piece.'  I so move.

Chair              (clearly completely lost)  Er ............ Clerk?

(The Bosun whispers in his ear)

Heckler           Mr or Master Chairpiece, I think the whole meeting should be able to hear what he has to say.  My mother always said it was rude to whisper.

Chair              As a matter of fact the Clerk and I were discussing procedural matters.  (sarcastically)  I trust that is alright with you?

Heckler           I'm not sure - I'll have to ask mother.

Chair              Ah, of course.  As I thought.  You want a vote on whether we should hear the whole thing, song by song.

Heckler           That is correct, your Chairfulness.

Chair              Well, I suspect you're wasting the meeting's time.  I doubt you'll even find a seconder.  Is there a seconder to the motion that we should hear the ballad opera?

(Someone in the audience may offer.  If not one of the committee must - or perhaps Smethurst, leading to another constitutional complication)

Chair              Oh, very well, we'll put it to the vote.  All those in favour of hearing the thing raise their right hand and say 'Aye' (encourages audience to vote).

                        Those against raise their left hand and say 'no'.

                        Those abstaining raise both hands and say nothing.

                        The following is the result in the three categories 'Aye', 'No', 'nothing'.

Heckler           I'll second that!

(Chair reads the result, making sure that it is a vote in favour!  Committee reluctantly unpack papers, take off coats, etc.)

Chair              Well, it seems we have to go through the whole thing.  Mr Smethurst, would you give us the first piece?

Smethurst      Certainly.

                        (pompously, to audience)  When this commission was first put to me I was determined that I should produce a work which went beyond the simple story and allowed the listener to experience for him or herself the agony and the ...er.....(searching for word)

Sheriet           Ecstasy, Mr Smethurst?

Smethurst      No thanks Sheriet, not just now; I'm trying to think of a word.  Suffering - that's it.  To experience the agony and suffering of the individuals involved.  So I started with 'The Prologue';

(as he orates he points to the characters, thus emphasising how they have changed)

THE PROLOGUE

  I'll sing a county's praises, one so rare,

That travellers hearts are caught, as in a snare,

Once they arrive: and then they ne'er do grieve

Until the time doth come that they should leave.

This booteous place is known by name as Norfolk;

Tis loved the same by rich and by the poor folk;

Yet here an awful, cruel, crustaceous war broke!

 

First the two protagonists we must

Encounter.  Neither of them can we trust,

Nor they each other.  Cromer's leader bold

Was one Upspoke - so I have been told.

Though captain's rank he now, mayhap, enjoys,

He started as Upspoke the cabin boy.

While Sheringham's warlike fishermen were led

By one who filled all hearts with dread.

One Admiral Bow - a person amongst me -

But to close kin known just as Ben.

Though cursed was he in marriage - as indeed his wife was -

His daughter fair the joy of Ben Bow's life was.

Sweet Sheriet this maiden was by name,

Who ne'er a fly would kill, or even maim.

While Upspoke's son, bold Cromeo, was strong,

And handsome as the day is long.

 

So list now to this tale of lust and warfare;

Of lovers passions, which they now once more bare;

Players, let these people wait no more:

Let passions play - unleash the crabs of war!

Belle Bow      Just one moment Mr Smethurst - what about tunes.  We paid for tunes as well, you know.

Smethurst      Oh, they've got tunes.  I took the liberty of using well known tunes, to facilitate your assimilation of them.  For instance, that one is sung to the tune of the Hallelujah Chorus.

Belle Bow      And I suppose it facilitated your assimilation of our fee as well.

Cromeo          You mean we already know the tunes?

Smethurst      Oh yes, indeed.

Cromeo          Then we could sing them ourselves.  What parts are there?

Ben Bow        (looking at presentation copy)  We're all in it.  Why don't we sing our own bits?

Chair              I must remind you that this is still a formal meeting of the Disorder, and that a certain amount of decorum is expected.  Would you care to make a formal proposition Recorder?

Cromeo          I do apologise, your Supremeness.  I propose that each person who appears in this ballad opera should play their own parts.

Chair              I think that could have been better put, but I get the idea.  We will vote as before.

Heckler           I call for a card vote.

Chair              Are you sure.

Heckler           Yes - I think so.

Chair              As you wish.  Clerk.

(The Bosun produces a pack of playing cards, which the Chair offers to Sheriet)

Chair              Aces high

(Sheriet cuts, followed by Belle Bow)

Chair              10 against 5 - I declare the motion carried.  And the first of us to sing (looks at script) is the Narrator.  (There is a pregnant pause)  Is the Narrator here tonight?

Smethurst      Well, of course not.  There never was such a person as the Narrator.  He's just a device.  I made him up to give a sort of commentary to the opera.

Upspoke        No - you're wrong there.  There was a Narrator.  Tall bloke, with a pig tail.  Blasted nuisance he was, I can tell you.  Used to wander about in the middle of a battle.  Told everybody what was going on.

Ben Bow        That's right.  Just when you thought you were sneaking up on someone he used to sing to everyone about it, so you could never have a surprise attack.

Smethurst      Well is he here tonight then?

Belle               Oh no.  After the wars were over we got rid of him.

Chair              So we've just voted for people to sing their own songs, and now we can't even start because the Narrator's not here.  Brilliant.

Heckler           Mr Chairwoman.  May I suggest we get Mr Smethurst to play the part of the Narrator for the purposes of this meeting?

Chair              Look, we've got enough problems already thank you.  Would you mind keeping any further stupid suggestions to yourself.

Heckler           Sorry I spoke.

(The Bosun whispers to Chair)

Chair              We have an idea.  I suggest we ask Mr Smethurst here to play the part of the Narrator for the purposes of this meeting.

Heckler           Brilliant.  And so original!

Chair              Would you mind Mr Smethurst?

Smethurst      Very well.  (to audience)  Unaccustomed as I am to public singing, here is a song from the ballad opera The Crab Wars, written by Albert Smethurst.  I have entitled the song 'Come All You', and it goes to the tune of 'It Was Christmas Night In The Workhouse'.

COME ALL YOU

Come all you good people that go out a-crabbing,

With hemp rope and pot, all as merry as can be;

I'll tell you the story of the crab boat The Scuttler,

With the pluckiest crab boys that e'er put to sea.

 

As they were a-floating all out on the briny,

A-seeking their crab pots one morning in May,

They searched and they hunted, but none could discover,

Till Upspoke the Captain, these words he did say;

 

"I'm Upspoke the Captain, George Upspoke of Cromer,

Don't fear that we'll go home unladen again.

For if we take this boat to the crab grounds of Sheringham,

We'll take some of theirs and come home wealthy men".

 

So sideways they sailed, as a crab boat must do,

Till the Sheringham crab beds were off the aft bow.

"Wake up all you crabs" was the cry of the fishermen,

"Get dressed in your best, for you're Cromer crabs now".

 

They hauled up their pots till their boat it was laden,

Their gunwales awash but their rowlocks quite dry.

They bent all their oars with the weight of their cargo,

But just halfway back another boat they did spy.

 

By the cut of her jib, and the tear in her mainsail,

They knew that she sailed out of old Sheringham;

And Upspoke spoke up to his jolly brave crewmen,

"Why here are the robbers of our crabs, I'll be damned!"

 

But the Sheringham sailors had spotted them also,

And noticed their catch of fine Sheringham crabs.

Their skipper cried out "You shall never reach Cromer,

We'll sink you, and send you to the bottom with the dabs".

 

And so these two crab boats they fought on the ocean,

Broadbow to broadbow, with no time for to think.

Their eighty-ninth meeting it was a completing,

And down to the bottom both vessels did sink.

 

When the people of Cromer and the people of Sheringham

They heard of their loses, they rose up in arms;

In the Kings Arms and the Queens Arms and the Rose they arose,

And they swore that the crabbing should never more be calm.

Upspoke        That was just when I got my war wound.  Boat went down; oar hit me on the head;  thought I was in Cromer, waiting for myself to come home.  Didn't arrive of course - got very worried about myself.  Had to go and lie down.  But that was all a dream.  Woke up and found myself drowning; whole life flashing before my eyes.  Rather tedious on the whole.  Of course, there were a few interesting bits, but/

Smethurst      We'll get to that later.  You have an introductory song first.

Upspoke        (moving forward)  Very well.  Few interesting facts about my earlier life - fill in the background.  Born at home.  Mother was there, I seem to remember.  'Course I was only little, so I can't be sure it was her.  The midhusband said he'd never seen anything like me.  Then, when I was three weeks old/

Cromeo          Chairman - is this a ballad opera about the Crab Wars or the story of the Head Boiler's  life?  I move we go straight to the song.

Upspoke        Well, alright - I was just coming to that.  'The Rise Of Upspoke', to the tune of 'Eskimo Nell':

THE RISE OF UPSPOKE

Upspoke the cabin boy - that pretty boy was me;

I saw to the Captain's every need when we were out at sea.

But when on land, you'll hear them tell, I saw to the Captain's wife as well,

And when the Captain did find out, "That boy should rise" said he.

 

Upspoke the deck hand, my work was quick and neat;

I was able to do miracles when I was in the sheets.

But one day, when not at my best, I really made an awful mess;

The Captain cried "We'll dine in that, and he'll prepare the meat!"

 

Upspoke the cook, my meals were really filling;

I was clean, I was neat, and I was always willing.

Till I dropped the plum duff one my foot - oh how I did then howl and hoot!

The Captain made me shanty man, and gave to me top billing.

 

Upspoke the shanty man, I sang out loud and clear,

And when I sang a ballad, well, I often raised a tear.

The men all jumped when I struck a chord - three of them jumped overboard -

The Captain made me up to Mate, for my talent it was clear.

 

Upspoke the Mate, I ran the ship so tight,

For I tripled the rum ration, and we drank both day and night.

And when the Captain raised a stink, the men all threw him in the drink -

He got an awful headache, and retired overnight.

 

Upspoke the Captain, I stepped into his boots.

They fitted very nicely, so I also tried his suit.

And when I wore that uniform I knew to this I had been born,

And now I lead the greatest fleet, that no-one can refute.

Ben Bow        (Rising and looking belligerently at Upspoke)  Supreme Scuttler - I would like to refute that last bit.

Chair              Which bit?