DEAR FOLK ON TOP

DEAR FOLK ON TOP

October 1992

Dear Folk on Top,

I see in your last paper (mind you, if it was your last paper there's no point in me writing this) that someone was going on about 'the likes of Sid Kipper'. How do they know what my likes are? - that's what I'd like to know.

Anyhow, I may not have to bother about all that old folk stuff too much longer, 'cos I'm going up in the world and doing the Radio 2 Art Programme, so I expect I'll be going into lots of Arts Enters all over the place soon. I'm also doing the theme tune for the Trunch Student Games (what used to be called the School Sports). It's called 'Egg And Spoon The World', and it ought to be a huge hit on Trunch Wireless. So look out!

Yours sinfully,

Sid Kipper.

January 1993

Dear Folk on Top,

I'm writing in case your reader might be interested in listening to my new programme on Trunch Wireless (CB Channel 33) - Pick Of The Weak. In it I'll be choosing my best bits from programmes like 'The Week's Good Caws' (for crow fanciers) and Lady Silver-Darling's programme 'One On Folk', and so on. I'm also having a special feature go out called 'Like A Rhinestone Ploughboy', which will be nicked and put out by Dambugger Records - if we can get the tape recorder to work.

Oh, and I have to come down your way on January 15th, to do a show in a water tower in Winchester. Could you ask all your people round there to turn their taps on the day before, so as to empty it? Else they'd better bring their water wings.

In the meantime I'm off to do a do for 60 years of Cecil Sharphouse, so I may be able to get back off him some of the songs he nicked from people in our village all them years ago. Perhaps he's learned better now he's older.

Anyhow, I must get off so I can get on,

Up yours,

Sid Kipper.

April 1993

Dear Folk on Top,

I've got to write again to put right what I wrote wrong last time. I'm not with Dambugger Records any more because I have been snapped up by Leader, which is a great honour because they specialise in sauce singers like me.

I have to say it's a lot better. The old lot used to say things like "You can't play the stylophone because it's not traditional" or "You'll have to sing that again because it's out of tune". With these new people I can do what I like and they couldn't care less!

Of course it do mean my new waxing has been held up because someone has got to cross out all them Dambuggers and write Leader on them. So now it will be launched in June, which is apparently the next suitable tide.

I shall be round your parts a bit soon. I'm having May Day in Winchester, four days after June Day in Claygate, and the day before July Day in Bracknell, so all in all I shall be up and down like a fiddler's dram. Anyhow, that's when I'll be on, so now I'll be off.

Up yours!

Sid Kipper.

July 1993

Dear Folk on Top,

I thought you should know that I'm going to be on Anglia TV in the autumn, showing people round Trunch, so you'd better move house quick if you want to see that.

I hope you'll agree with me about how we are now getting all these thrusting young performers coming up. I don't think it's a coincidence that they've all come up since I broke out as a young solo megostar, starting off a whole new generation who have their own ideas and teeth. I was telling this to my young nephew Kevin Kipper the other day, and he said "Well, old man, perhaps history will repeat itself before too long". I said if it did I hoped it would say pardon, but I'm not really sure what he meant.

Wishing you -

Well -

Sid Kipper.

October 1993

Dear Folk on Top,

I wasn't going to write to you again, but then I thought if I didn't you might worry about not hearing from me, and then you'd write to me to see if I was alright, and then I'd only have to reply, so I'm writing after all to save the postage.

Now the Rising Son has definitely rised I'm looking for a new catchphrase. I thought up a whole lot, like The Young Groaner, and The Singing Folksinger, but at the moment my favourite is The Lone Truncheon. I think that just about says it. What's more it means everyone's tea-shirts will be out of date so they'll have to buy new ones!

Anyhow, I'll be down your neck later in the year, 'cos 'I've got to go to Chichester and Croydon. Plus I'm doing a secret morris do in Southampton, but I've been asked not to mention it, so I'll say no more.

No more,

Sid Kipper.

January 1994

Dear Folk on Top,

I reckon you'd like to know that soon I won't only just be a multi-instrumental megostar. Soon I'll be a famous writer too!

It's all because of this book what's coming out in the summer, based on Mrs Prewd. She came to St Just-near-Trunch in 1904 and kept and Edwardian lady's diary.

Now it just happens that my great-aunt Maud skived for her, so I've been called in to explain what was going on. It seems a lot of people don't know nothing about the Junepole dancing, or the Temperance Three or Flinthenge, or so on. But I know all about them, so they're going to put my explanations in a real proper book - not just some magazine.

But don't worry, I'll still keep touched in with you, if only to make sure that you keep listing my jigs in your Roger What'sons.

Keep on Top,

Sid Kipper.

April 1994

The Old Goat Inn - sometime after closing time.

Dear Folk on Top,

You may be wondering what I'm going to be up to next, so I thought I'd write and tell you. Well, first I'm planning to be up to the bar for a few more pints. But then I'll have to be off home because I've got some serious planning to do.

Now you probably think all a folk megostar like me has to do is turn up and impress everyone with his natural talent! Well - there is that, of course. But without planning you might turn up in the wrong place and impress the wrong people!

I've got a new book coming out, and my publishers say I've got to push it - whatever that means. Actually I've just planned to have someone push it for me at all the festivals, so I should be able to sit back and put my fees up!

After saying that, but before any of it happens, P.C. Chubb has just been spotted biking this way, so it looks like there's be no more pints tonight after all. So much for planning!

Keep on top,

Sid Kipper.

July 1994

(Sid didn't write a letter for this issue, as he had been asked to produce a review of the previous issue - which he did. These are the edited lowlights.)

In your last issue you asked me to review it, although that seem pointless to me. I mean, if it was your last issue then where will you put the review? But ours is not, is it, so here goes.

Now to start off there was something by a bloke called Roger What's-On going on about something I didn't understand a word of - very interesting. The general idea seemed to be that if no-one liked what you were doing then it might be a good idea to mix it up with something else totally different that no-one likes, and then people won't notice. That's exactly what me and Dave Burden do in our Partners In Crime shows! I think the term for it is 'con fusion'.

Then there was a lot more I didn't really understand, until there come the vital question: Who and Tony Williams? I'd been wondering that myself. Of course, you can tell that Tony's the one who runs it with his big base, but who is the one with the guitar who tries to take all the credit? Well, the article didn't tell us, so it was a bit of a waste of space really.

Then there's the poets, who are song writers who can't do tunes, and the Live Music Scene, which is all about all the good concerts you missed - mind you, I reckon I'd rather not know that I'd missed a good concert.

Finally, there's Letters To The Editor. As a matter of fact I know this is a waste of time, because I can tell you that she never writes back. In this lot there's a long letter full of scoff by someone called Curly Manning. Well, Mr Manning, it's easy to scoff, or so my old father used to say, and he was living proof of it. The there's two letters proving once and for all that John Paddy Brown is absolutely right and totally wrong, but not necessarily in that order.

All in all the magazine was very interesting if that's the sort of thing you're interested in. What a sham it was the last issue.

Sid Kipper.

October 1994

Dear Folk on Top,

I am replying to the letter what you wrote me in reply to me saying in your magazine that you never reply to my letters.

Anyhow, while I'm replying I might as well bring you up to date about my doings. I am now a famous author, and have appeared on Colliderscope on Radio Fore (Cyril Cockle reckons a colliderscope is a thing for seeing things coming towards you very fast).

But I'm still doing a fair bit of megostarring. They do say that travel broadens the mind, but who are they? In Norfolk we say that's all very well, but who's going to mind the Broads? So in between me going away I'll be coming back again to my roots. I've planted parsnips, carrots and turnips so if famous authoring and megostarring go out of fashion I'll have something to fall back on. Mind you, I don't know if you've ever fallen back on a pile of turnips, but my girlfriend Raquel Whelk reckon it's not all it's cracked up to.

Must be off to do a bit of hoeing,

All the beast,

Sid Kipper.

January 1995

Dear Folk on Top,

I'm just writing this letter to explain that I won't be sending you a Christmas card this year because I'm too busy. This is mainly due to the fact that when you're famous people are always pestering you.

For an instant, a lot of people ask me "How do I become a famous folk megostar what is like you, Sid?", and I tell them "You can't". The reason is that to become like me you have to be born into a famous folk singing family, and by the time you can ask the question it's too late to do anything about it. Unless you can get adopted.

I done a jig with that Copper Family not so long ago. Now we're firm friends and enemies, like all families. There was even some story about Bob Copper staying in Trunch only nine months before I was born, but I'm not sure what they were trying to get at. Why should that interest me? I wasn't born then!

Right now I'm setting off with Dave Burden, my Partner In Crime, to do our Christmas Robbin' tour. We aren't coming down your way, due to Neighbourhood Watch (we had a Neighbourhood Watch in Trunch once, but some bugger nicked it). Still, you don't want to know all about my problems - and if you do you should mind your own business.

Condiments of the Seasoning,

Sid Kipper.

April 1995

Dear Folk on Top,

Well, I've finally become a radio megostar - on the wireless. First off, in June, I'm going all the way to Wales so I can be accidentally overheard performing in the folk club in Clan Tristan. And then, on the strength of that, I'm going to be given my own series on Wednesday nights on Radio 2.

But I shall still be doing impersonal appearances. They say a profit is never made in his own land, so I'm trying other people's land. I'm going to Shetland (they've finally heard of my fiddle playing), and loads of places apart from Oxford, where I've never been, due to all those dreaming squires.

Anyhow, I must be off, because I'm certainly not on,

Keep on Topping,

Sid Kipper.

July 1995

Dear Folk on Top,

Thank you for putting in your issue about my mailing list what is being run for me. This has been brought about by public demand, due to people turning up at their local club and finding out that I'm on by accident. Now they can go on the mailing list and be told where to avoid me, or they can book early to ensure disappointment.

Here in Trunch we're getting ready for our big singing weekend. Auditions will be held in the Old Goat Inn on Friday night. We don't do what a lot of people do and let just anybody sing just because they feel like it. Mind you, that doesn't mean that if you're no good you can't sing - it just means that if you're no good you'll have to bribe the judges. All the bribes go in a pot to buy drinks for the audience, and then the bad singers get put on at the end of the night, when the audience is drunk enough to put up with it. This means that Cyril Cockle always goes on last, after everyone has gone home (although one year there was so many bad singers that by the time he went on everyone had come back again for the next day. Luckily, though, Cyril was too drunk to sing).

Anyhow, the point is that I'm far too busy to write this time, so I'm writing to tell you that.

May your lamb lung reek (which is Norfolk for 'May your sheep have bad breath'),

Sid Kipper.

October 1995

Dear Folk on Top,

It must be nearly three months since I wrote you last time, so first off I'll say sorry for leaving it so long.

Next off I'll tell you how I was talking about Chichester only the other day. You see, I was being interviewed for this new book what is coming out next year. And the bit about Chichester was about how that was my first solo performance what I ever did on my own, after getting rid of my father.

Anyhow, I must b. off, but I'll try to write sooner next time,

Mind how you go - I had a nasty do with an electric fence the other day,

Sid Kipper.

January 1996

Dear Folk on Top,

Well, the days are drawing in, and that'll soon be the Longest Night. By the time you get out that'll be nearly Christmas.

Thas not easy to forget Christmas these days. I mean, round my parts the shops are full of stuff long before Advert Sunday, and you can't hardly move about the village for poor men with fat geese and empty hats, begging for pennies. Mind you, they reckon this year there may not be enough geese to go round, though they don't say why anyone would want to spend their time going round a lot of geese in the first place.

But remember the old saying;

If you haven't got a goose, a turkey will do;

If you haven't got a turkey, I know where I can get a pheasant.

There's many true words in them old sayings, even if they're usually in the wrong order to make any sense.

Anyhow, I'll wish you a merry Christmas, and pass on a Cool Yule from Rev 'Call-me-Derek' Bream, who asked to be remembered to your reader.

You and Yours,

Sid Kipper.

April 1996

Dear Folk on Top,

I'm definitely not going to write to you this time. But in case you think I've fallen out I'm just writing to say that I will be writing next time, so don't worry.

But while I'm writing to say that, did you see when it come on the news a bit back how morris dancing has been banned by the council in Aberystwyth, on the ground of it being too English? I reckon this is a good idea. In Trunch we are going to ban diddly music on the ground (and in the air) for being too Irish. Then we can get back to playing proper English tunes like Polkas and Waltzes, like God would have intended if He'd existed in the first place. Better than that, we could get back to proper Icenic music, like what we had before the Romans came over here and took all our jobs and insulted all our women folk by not seducing them.

Anyhow, if I say much more I'll be writing to you like I said I wouldn't, so I won't. In fact there's so much going on, perhaps I should have written to you after all. But I'm not one to go back on my words, so I won't.

Best the all,

Sid Kipper.

July 1996

Dear Folk on Top,

I don't rightly want to write to you right now, but I said last time as how I would. So I will. That's 'cos I'm a man of my word, and my word is my bond - which is two words, actually, but never mind.

The thing is I'm very busy with all my projections. What with performing and recording and broadcasting and writing, there simply aren't enough Rs in the month. So you can see that with me having all these projections on the go it's not easy to write to you, even if I wanted to, which I don't. But if I said I would, I will. So I have.

By the time you read this my new book, 'The Ballad of Sid Kipper' will be out. Not that it's ever been in. Unlike my Uncle George. He's been in for years, although by the time you read this he'll still be in. He's what they call a trusty, which means they want to hang on to him. I mean, if you've got someone you can trust you don't want to lose them, do you? So they let all the ones they can't trust go, and keep them ones like my Uncle George who aren't no trouble. It's not easy being honest, as I'm sure you of all people know.

So don't say I never write, 'cos I do. I just did, as a matter of fact.

Yours sinfully (or is it faithcerely?),

Sid Kipper.

October 1996

Dear Folk on Top,

By the time you read this you'll have missed me at the Swan Age Festival in Dorset, but just at the moment I'm looking forward to going to it, which just goes to show you that the post all service is not what it used to be. (As a matter of fact round our way it used to be a bloke on a bicycle with funny glasses who went round singing all the time about 'have you got a light buoy', so all in all it's an improvement really).

Anyhow, I reckon these new Age Festivals are a good idea. I mean, most of the folky people aren't getting no younger, are they? And if they were where would it get them? After a bit they'd be too young to buy a drink in the pub, and then all their clothes would go loose and fall off them, and eventually they'd have to crawl round trying to get someone to suckle them until finally there'd come a time what don't even bare thinking about.

So lets have more Age Festivals. There could be coach trips to them from old folkies homes all over the country - and the city too, for good measure. I'd go a long way for good measure, I would, and I know I'm not alone because Mother's here with me.

But that's not what I was writing to you about. As a matter of fact I forget what I was writing to you about, but when I remember I'll write and tell you what it was.

Yours for a price,

Sid Kipper.

January 1997

Dear Folk on Top,

I just remembered what it was I was going to write you about last time, so I'm just writing to tell you not to bother 'cos it's too late now so never mind.

In March I'm doing another new kind of festival - Chichester Traditional Festival. Being a traditional festival I'm especially looking forward to it because I'm a very traditional person myself. I hope it'll be just like the traditional festivals we used to have years ago in my little village of Trunch. There should be lots of drinking, fighting and leering at members of the opposite sex. There might even be some singing as well, for those what don't like leering.

Anyway, all will be revealed in time - at least, that's what Raquel Whelk keeps telling me.

Yours (and you're welcome to it),

Sid Kipper.

April 1997

Dear Folk on Top,

I'm not writing to you 'cos I want to - far from it. I'm writing to you 'cos Cyril Cockle want to know something and he don't know how to write. Well, that's not strictly true. I mean he do know how to write - you just get a pen and some paper (or it might be a pencil) and make marks on the one with the other. But he don't know how to do letters, so his writing is just in theory.

Anyhow, he want to know how come you're called Folk On Top if you're supposed to be the Magazine of the Southern Counties Folk Federation? He say didn't you ought to be Folk Underneath? Or Folk Down Below? Or Folk Under Bottom? I'd say he should mind his own business but he wouldn't take no notice.

But he do have a point, and it's a sharp one I can tell you. You see in Norfolk we have the same sort of a problem - people keep saying as how we're in the South. Well, I mean, that's just stupid. Suffolk is in the South, which is why they call it Suffolk (or 'Folk of the Suf', because Suf is short of Suffer, which is what you'll do if you ever go there). And some people say Norfolk is in the East, but you're not catching me like that. I mean, it's not the South East or we'd all be rich, and it's not the North East or we'd all talk funny and have small pipes.

So I reckon it must be the Middle East, which may explain all the sand we've got round the coast.

Anyhow, don't bother answering Cyril's question 'cos he can't read either, so you'd be wasting your time.

All the beast,

Sid Kipper.

July 1997

Dear Folk on Top,

I see that Chris Sugden has been writing you. Well if I was you (which of course I aren't) but if I was (which I couldn't be really, come to think of it, 'cos I'm too busy being me) but let's say if I could be (even though I can't), then I wouldn't take no notice of him. Although, come to think of it, if I was you (despite everything) I suppose I wouldn't do what I would do anyhow, because I wouldn't be me at all (so who'd be me, then - that's what I'd like to know?).

But that's not what I wrote about (although if you was me you'd know that already and I wouldn't have to write at all). But you're not me - whatever you may think (unless you reckon you'd like a couple of pints down at the Old Goat Inn and a quiet night in with Raquel Whelk - then I suppose you might be me after all).

Anyhow, I forget what I was writing about, so it'll have to wait for next time.

Mine,

Sid Kipper.

October 1997

Dear Folk on Top,

I just remembered what I was writing about the last time when I forgot, so I'm writing now so I can forget about it again. I wanted to tell you I was doing two new albums. But that's alright, 'cos I'm still doing them. Now you might say why do two albums, but just in case you don't I'll tell you anyhow. One is songs and the other is stories - obviously.

Both the albums are in the can, so we've just got to find the can opener and be careful not to cut our fingers.

Anyhow, now I've remembered what it was I shan't have to write to you again. Of course, it's nothing personal.

Yaws to starboard,

Sid Kipper.

January 1998

Deer Foe Con Top,

Eye have decided to right ewe on the Vicar's whirred processor. That Will show how up too date I yam, with awl this modem technology dew to me being a bit of a whisk id. Its all so handy because it's got a spell chequer, sew I can bee sure that my spelling is write.

Mind ewe, eye still have too think watt to say. I mean, Chris Mass is coming, butt buy the thyme ewe print this it will have come and gone and it will bee all most Twelfth Knight (witch is called after the spare feller they had in case won of the first teem got his elf hurt). Buy then ewe will have wrung out the old and wrung inn the knew. Sew may bee eye ought to be gin by wishing ewe awl the best four nine teen nine tee ate.

I trussed ewe have maid sum knew year resolutions. Mire R two bee even maw wonder full than eye am now, and two bee maw modest a swell. I don't think isle have much trouble doing them too.

Inn the knew year eye shall bee doing lodes of things, including the wrest of my five day tor of Summer set. The last two daze are inn February and march. It mite have bean better if awl the five daze had bean in a roe, butt hours is knot to reason Wye, is it?

Any how, the Vicar wants his key bored back, sew aisle B off.

Yaws sins early,

Sid Kipper.

April 1998

Dear Folk on Top,

I expect you're getting all lathered up about May Day, which is on May 1st again this year. In St Just we always have a lot of what they call May Hem. I don't know if you have it round your way at all, but then that doesn't matter 'cos its none of my business.

Nowadays of course it's all modern, because today's youth haven't got no respect for tradition - otherwise my nephew Kevin wouldn't have gone and got a proper job; that's against all family tradition.

Anyhow, I must get on. Then I'll have to pedal like a Mayniac because it's flat all the way.

Good buy,

Sid Kipper.

July 1998

Dear Folk on Top,

I suppose you think I've got nothing better to do than keep writing you lettuce.

Well as a matter of fact I'm in the middle of being interviewed by Chris Sugden for an article in your next tissue. So we'll just say "no more about it". After all, silence is golden - as King Midas said, putting his finger to his lips.

Good buy,

Sid Kipper.

October 1998

(In this issue Sid was interviewed by Chris Sugden, so felt no need to write a letter. That interview will be posted on this website in due course.)

January 1999

Dear Folk on Top,

As I was aying to Cyril Cockle in the Old Goat Inn the other day, I'll write to Folk on Top about that.

Now I only wish I could remember what it was. Bacause now I'm writing, due to being a man of my word, but I don't know what I'm on about.

I don't think it was my great-uncle Albert's parrot, Captain Smellit, because that was banned from the Old Goat. You see the landlord, Ernie Spratt, reckoned the parrot had impersonated him and offered free drinks all round on the house. But that was a third-class carriage of justice. I mean, he couldn't have it both ways. Either the parrot impersonated him or it offered free drinks all round. The two don't go together.

I'm fairly sure it wasn't about my uncle George's latest hit, 'A Nightingale Died In Berkeley Square', because I'm sworn to secrecy about that.

And I'm certain it wasn't about winning my nephew Kevin's prize drawers, because officially they haven't been pulled out yet.

So I'm buggered if I know what it was. But not to worry - if I think what it was I'll wirte and let you know.

Yours faithlessly,

Sid Kipper.

April 1999

Dear Folk on Top,

What you probably don't know is you've got a Kipper reader in your area - my Uncle George.

It all started in 1984, when he went to help the police with their enquiries. Well, they found him so helpful that they give him a full time position in the Isle of Wight! And he's been there ever since.

Now there's been a rumour about that he's got a record out, but that's saying too much. It's just that he's got a record - as long as your arm. And the people where he is keep playing it. So he has to find out about what's going on from your magazine.

He reads it in the prison library, due to him being a crusty - I think that's the expression. He's hard and stale, anyhow. He first found you because you come between two of his favourite publications - 'Felon's' Weekly' and 'Form (the Index of Her Majesty's Guests)'.

Anyhow, George reckons my bit is the best thing in the magazine, because he's not interested in foreign stuff like Bluearse Music, or all that Sellticket diddley. So the bad news is I'll have to keep writing so that he can keep reading it. So I'll be in touch.

Just be grateful it weren't George who said that to you.

All the beast,

Sid Kipper.

July 1999

Dear Folk on Top,

I'm just writing to warn you that I'm getting ready for the lunch of my new book, 'Crab Wars'. Mind you, it'll have to be a late lunch because it isn't happening till early evening. Then after lunch I'll be doing a big singing tour all over everyone's parts to go with the book, so I'm available for book bookings, if you see what I mean. Actually I'm still available even if you don't see what I mean.

Like Cyril Cockle always say; "I see what you mean, but I don't mean what you see". He always say that, even though nobody know what he sees in it.

Anyhow, I'll let you know how it all goes and all about my wonderful new book next time,

Good buy,

Sid Kipper.

October 1999

Dear Folk on Top,

I don't have time to write a letter due to spending all my time doing an interview for you.

Sorry about this and that,

Yours Since Early,

Sid Kipper.

January 2000

Dear Folk and Tap,

I heard you were having an anniversary, so I'm just writing to say "Happy Anniversary". I'm not sure exactly how long you've been married, but I expect it don't seem a day too long - to phrase a coin.

I've never married myself - which is probably just as well, 'cos I don't think it's legal to marry yourself. I think you have to get someone else to do it, even if you're a vicar.

There were times when I thought me and Raquel Whelk might get married, but luckily I've always managed to be out of the village on February 29th. But then, like they say, don't try it if you haven't knocked it.

Anyhow, while I'm on I might as well mention that I'll be appearing in your area a couple of times in March - which some people might find a bit peculiar, due to March being in Cambridgeshire, which isn't in your area at all. But be that as it may - which it is - I'll be doing the Winchester Water Tower on the 10th of March and the Guildford Electricity Theatre on the 12th. So all I need now is a gig in a Gasometer in Bognor Regis on the 11th and I'll have the full set.

Still, I expect you'll be far too busy getting over your anniversary to worry about any of that, so I'm sorry I mentioned it.

Best Fishes,

Sid Kipper.

April 2000

Dear Folk on Top,

By the time you read this it'll be too late. Because by then I'll already have done the world première of my new show 'Vaughan Williams Stole My Folk Song' at Cecil Sharp's House in London. I'll have put them straight about folk songs, folk singing and, of course, the old folk-song correctors. Then I won't be doing the show nowhere near you until the Sid's Mouth Festival, where I'll also be giving them my storytelling show, 'Spineless'.

On the other hand - which in this case is the left one because I was using the right one before (although you'll never know whether or not I'm lying) - I still won't have done my Village Hall show at exotic locations. Plus, I won't have been a normal folk person at Claygate, or a Partner In Crime, with Dave Burland, at Dartington Hall.

So, what with all that, plus loads more to do around other people's parts, I really can't be spending a lot of time writing letters to the likes of you,

Yours for the asking,

Sid Kipper.

July 2000

Dear Folk on Top,

I can't write much because my pen's nearly run out, and I want to save some of it for writing anonymous blackmail letters to Cyril Cockle (if anyone can help solve the problem of who I should get him to make the cheque out to I'd be relatively grateful).

The other thing I'm up to is recording my new album, 'East Side Story'. We were going to record it with a full band, but it took a lot more to fill them than we were expecting, and then when they were finally full they were too drunk to play anything. So we got my nephew Kevin in to play the key board. It makes a nice jangly sound, and if you hang more or less keys on it you can get different amounts of jingle, so I reckon we'll get away with it. Then we can launch the album in September and amaze the world.

If your reader would like to be informed of how to get any of my albums, or books, or tea-shirts, then they ought to get on my mailing list. I haven't got a web sight because I don't know what one is, but if I do get one you'll be the first to know - although if you'll be the first to know then perhaps I have got one and you just haven't told me about it.

Hairs to you,

Sid Kipper.

October 2000

Dear Folk on Top,

As you may know my old father passed off recently, so I've been very busy.

When I was a boy he taught me all he knew, which put me at a distinct disadvantage over all the other boys, because to be a proper folk singer I had to forget all what he'd taught me before I could start.

Then, when I got older, he used to help me with my - well, I call it game collection. But father was afraid of the dark, so he used to sing out loud to frighten off evil spirits. Of course all that did was attract evil gamekeepers.

Then, when we got discovered and become famous, he used to hold me back with the groupies because I always had to make sure he got home safe.

And when we finally retired him and he ran off he used to send me threatening letters. He used to threaten to make a come back.

So like I say, I've been very busy - dancing on his grave. Well, on his ashes actually. I had to make sure he wasn't pretending to be dead.

Welling you wish,

Sid Kipper.

January 2001

Dear Folk On Top,

You probably thought I'd be writing to plug my latest album, East Side Story (Leader Records LER 2120, distributed by Celtic Music, more than likely not available in record shops good, bad and different). Well, you've got another thing coming, because I won't. It don't need plugging because it's not unplugged. That's not trendy no more.

Which lead me to what I am writing for. I wanted to tell you the good news - Diddly Music (you might call it Celtic down there, but up here we don't like to mention the Celts) is fashionable just now. And the reason that's good news is it means before too long it'll become unfashionable again, and then we can all rest in pieces, and not a minute too soon if you ask me. Which you didn't, but that's what I'd say if you did. Anyhow, if I never hear another diddle I shall be more than contented. It's not so much the did - it's the dle that really gets on your nerves.

Eastward Ho!

Sid Kipper.

April 2001

Dear Folk on Top,

I don't know why I'm writing to you, but everyone else is writing to the paper so I thought I would as well.

What's got them all writing to the Trunch Trumpet is the controversy about whether or not you should be allowed to play a waltz on the walnut shells.

The Erpingham Folk Song and Dance Society reckoned if God meant us to play waltzes on the walnuts he'd have given us all three arms.

Farmer Trout, on behalf of Bigots Against Tolerance, said they were against it because they were against everything on principle. Then a row broke out about whether they were in favour of writing to the paper or not.

Mrs Dace said there was a time and a place for progress, but Trunch now is neither.

Rev 'Call-me-Derek' Bream wrote that he agreed with everybody, and all points of view were valid and we shouldn't be judgmental. Then again, he said that if people wanted to be judgmental that was a valid point of view too.

I wonder what your readers think (I don't want to know what they think - I just wonder).

Nuts to May,

Sid Kipper.

July 2001

Dear Folk on Top,

As I sit down to write this, it is May in St Just-near Trunch. But, when you stand up to read it, it will be June in Portsmouth. It makes you think, don't it? I mean, when I was a boy we weren't allowed to read standing up. They reckoned you'd get piles if you did. And the post was a lot quicker in them days, too.

Now the latest thing round our way is that they're talking about doing away with the second delivery. Well, that would be a hell of a blow, I can tell you. Because the second delivery is the only one we get.

So if you never hear from me ever again, it'll probably be because I haven't heard from you in the first place. And they call it progress!

May all your trebles be little ones,

Sid Kipper.

October 2001

Dear Folk on Top,

Just to let you know I'm not writing this time, but I've sent you a story instead. So, as I'm not writing, I'll say no more.

Hope all go swell,

Sid Kipper.

January 2002

Dear Folk on Top,

This is just to warn you that I'm going to be appearing all round the back of your woods in the first part of the year. That's because I'm touring round loads of village halls in deepest Devon, wildest Wiltshire, hairiest Hampshire, outlandish Oxfordshire and the like. It's what they call a 'Rearal Touring Scheme'. So I thought I'd better explain some things about how village halls work, because they aren't exactly like what you get on the folk scene.

For a start, there's starting. In village halls they're a bit peculiar about it. If they say they'll start at 7.30, then they usually start at half past seven. Not like folk dos, where everyone knows that 7.30 means a quarter past eight. I noticed there was a problem with that when I spotted a lot of folky people turning up at concerts just in time for the merchandising (not that I'm complaining - it meant they already had their wallets out).

For a carry on there's the bar. Or not, as the case may be. Or as the case may not be. You see, at some village hall dos there isn't one, so it's worth ringing up to find out if you should bring your own drink (I always take my own as a matter of course, of course).

And for a finish, there's the finish. At village hall dos they don't generally stretch it out, on and on, until the landlord throws them out. No - they just have the show, and then stop. And that's not just because there isn't a landlord. It's more often because they want to get down the pub and stretch out the drinking, on and on, till the landlord throws them out of there.

So as you can see village halls are a bit different. I mean, sometimes they don't even have a raffle! And I hope this helps if you're thinking of coming to one of my village dos. And if not, why not?

All the baste,

Sid Kipper.

April 2002

Dear Folk on Top,

By the time you read this I'll be performing in more village halls than Ernie Spratt at the Old Goat Inn has had hot diners. He just won't light a fire in there. Also, I've told him you can't cook microwave meals with a microphone, but he won't be told, even though I've told him.

I've still got a few more villages to do in your cashment area, then I'll be away in the Eastern hemisphere in Norfolk and Lincolnshire until I come down to Sevenoaks, Ringwood and Bristol in June. Of course, that means I'll have to go round London, but at least that's better than going to London. My family have never liked London, right back to my ancestress Boadikippa, who set fire to it once. That's why it's called 'The Smoke'.

But why should you care? I'm only writing to complain that your letters page is full of people who don't know what they're talking about, who ramble on and on about nothing of any interest.

Well, now I reckon I've proved it.

Bon Voyage,

Sid Kipper.

July 2002

Dear Folk On Top,

Since I last wrote I've been re-released, which is more than you can say for my uncle George, who hasn't been released at all. But I'll say no more about 'the Trunch One' just now. I won't mention the album what we're doing, called 'Chained Melody', to try to get him out. I'll say nothing about me doing some of his songs, like 'The Illiterate's Alphabet', at Sid's Mouth Festival this year. So please don't ask.

What I will say is I've been re-released. You see, the first album I ever done, along with the man who called himself my father, has come out all over again on Compacted Disc. They reckon 'Since Time Immoral' was a landmark release, although I reckon it was more like a land mine, because it put a bomb under a few people. At the time they said that me and father were a flash in the pan that would turn out to be a blip when the bubble burst. Well, given all the things I've gone on to do, I reckon that must make me one of the biggest flashers of all time!

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking 'are there any extra tracks?'. And the answer is you needn't worry, because there aren't. Because if anything didn't go on the first time it was because it weren't good enough, and I can promise you it hasn't got any better in the meantime. So you can rest easy on that score.

Anyhow, I've started so I'll finish. Just don't ask me any more about the campaign to release George Kipper.

Yours in Hastings,

Sid Kipper.

October 2002

Dear Folk on Top,

Just to let you know that if you can't get hold of me it's because I'm going into the studio to do a couple of albums. I'll be doing one of stories and one of songs, because some people like one thing, whereas some prefer the other. Cyril Cockle don't like nothing, so he's easy to please.

What happens in the studio is this. You get in there, and you sing a song, or a tell story, and then you find out they were only testing for level, although if you ask me a spirit level would be more efficient. So now you do it again, level, and then they say there's a problem with flange on the tweeters, or whatever, so you have to do it again, again. This goes on until you're heartily fed up with the blooming thing and just want to get it over with. And that's the recording they use for the album. That goes on until you've got enough, and then they take it away and make it sound good, although if you ask me it all sounded fine before they got their hands on it in the first place. Next thing you know the album is out, and Mike Harding's not playing it on the wireless. And that's it.

Anyhow, that's what I'll be doing, so like I said, I'll be in Communicado, which is just east of Harrogate.

Eau Reservoir,

Sid Kipper.

January 2003

Dear Folk on Top,

The other week some bloke asked me how come, if I'm a top, folk singing, story telling, international megostar, I never win nothing at the Folk Awards? Well, if he's reading this, here's the answer, and I hope his nose have stopped bleeding.

The answer is that the whole thing must be fixed. For a start it's held in London, so obviously most people don't want to enter in case they win something and have to go there and collect it. Then again, nobody knows who pick the winners. They probably live in London too.

Otherwise how do you explain that The Old Goat Folk Club in St Just have never won the Best Folk Club Of The Year award? I mean, they'll give it to anyone. One year it was won by Nettlebed, and, well, have you ever been there? They do have a raffle, I'll give them that, but there's no candles, no floor singers, and they start on time. What sort of a top folk club is that?

So that's the answer, and we'll say no more about it, especially if we've got a sore nose. Of course, if that bloke's not reading this then I've just wasted all our times, but that's the chance you take.

Yours unawardedly,

Sid Kipper.

(Most Promising Newcomer, 1984)

April 2003

At Her Majesty's Pleasure, Isle of Wight.

Dear Folk on Top,

My nephew usually writes to you. But he's busy, so I'm writing. Instead. Kipper's the name. George Kipper. George to my mates. So it's Mister Kipper to you.

Now the main thing is I didn't do it. Yes, I was in the bank. But no, I didn't rob it. I was stitched up. Like a Kipper.

So Sid is having a tour to get me out. And an album. And a song book. And a major T-shirt. 'An Evening Without George Kipper'. 'Chained Melody'. 'Man of Convictions'. They're all based on my songs. Except the T-shirt. Obviously. That just says "Free The Trunch One!".

Sid can supply you with albums and so on via his mailing list. It's got an address. I don't know what it is. He'll also be touring round your way. When it all kicks off. In June. Chequer Mead Arts Centre in East Grinstead on the 11th. David Hall Arts Centre in South Petherton on the 12th. Tower Arts Centre in Winchester on the 13th. And Swindon Arts Centre on the 14th. I didn't know he was so popular.

Please support him in trying to get an innocent man get out of jail. Grasp the nettle and embrace the movement.

Thank,

You.

George Kipper.

July 2003

Dear Folk on Top,

Well, I don't know about you - and if I did I'd probably wish I didn't, so that's just as well, really. But what I was going to say before I so rudely interrupted myself is that I'm going back to doing some folk festivals this year. Now, there's something special about folk festivals, and I only wish I knew what it was. Perhaps I'll find out. I mean, as far as I'm concerned they're mostly about tents, and I've always thought that as places to catch cold tents are fine, but as buildings they're over rated. That's one of the reasons I got thrown out of the Girl Guides. The other one had to do with rubbing two Girl Guides together to make sparks fly.

Down your way I'm doing a place called Priddy in Somerset in July, and a canal called Saul in Gloucestershire, also in July. Where they are the rest of the year is anyone's business, but certainly not mine. 'My business is your pleasure'. That's a new catch phrase I'm trying out for promotion. If I get promotion, that is. It doesn't do to presume, although I'm almost certain to get in the play-offs. But until then I'll take each show as it comes, hope the results go my way, and try not to be sick on the parrot.

May all your trebles be large ones,

Sid Kipper.

October 2003