WHO'S WHO TOO?

Sid Kipper asks Chris Sugden just who he thinks he is.

Following my earlier interview with Sid, Folk On Tap commissioned him to turn the tables and interview me.  Personally I wouldn't have selected the piece for this website, but for some reason Sid insists on its inclusion.  So, against my better judgement, here is the result of that meeting.

Chris Sugden have been a pain in my arse for years - that's because he reckon he can treat me like a puppet.  He reckon he only have to whistle and I'll ask "How high?".  So I decided that was time he answered some questions - like How come he own all my copyrights? and Why do I only get 15% of everything? and Why is it never his round?

So a while back I trapped him down to where he live in Yorkshire.  Now that weren't easy, because the address he give me is a po box (although when I was a boy a po box was what the nightsoil man come to empty, so before the Vicar explained it I had a nasty suspicion about where my letters went).  What I done was to write him a letter, post it, and follow the postman to where he delivered it, high up on a mountain in Yorkshire.

What follow is the result of my threatening Sugden with a brick.

Sid          Alright Sugden - explain yourself.

Chris      Explain myself?  Do you mean physically?  Or spiritually?  Existentially, perhaps?

Sid          I mean quickly, before I lose my patience.

Chris      Alright, alright.  Put the brick down Sid.  What would you like me to explain?

Sid          Well - what do I need you for?

Chris      I'm a sort of facilitator, Sid.  I liase.  I ease the way and smooth the path.  For instance, what do you know about publishing?

Sid          Well, I'm pretty sound on the 'pub' bit.

Chris      Exactly.  And that's why we're a team, because I know about the 'lishing', and that's the tricky part.  When it comes to 'parties of the third part' and 'henceforth and heretowith' you'd be vulnerable to anyone who came up to you with a dodgy contract.  So I sort all that out for you.  If you like, I'm your fixer.

Sid          But I din't even know I was broke.

Chris      You aren't, because I fixed it before you could get broken.  You see, I deal with your publishers, record company, agents and so on and get us the best deal.  Take our books.

Sid          Well I can't take it, can I?  Because you already took them.  I told you the stories and such like, and before I could say 'Jack Russell' you'd written it all up, down and sideways and arranged to get it done and dusted.  They don't really feel like my books at all.

Chris      Of course they're your books Sid.  I just did the easy stuff like all the research, and the actual writing and the editing and organising the illustrations and so on.  Otherwise they're all your own work.  They have your name on the cover after all.

Sid          Well no - strictly speaking they have my name on the cover after yours.  And then you claim to have the copyright.

Chris      Well, yes, but that's only a technical thing.  It just means I have the rights to the copy in case the original gets mislaid - you still have the rights to that.

Sid          Oh, I see.  So what's that worth, then?

Chris      Well, you know.

Sid          No I don't know, or I wouldn't have asked, would I?

Chris      It's worth all the important things in life, Sid - the pride of production, the satisfaction of involvement in a successful project.  That sort of thing.

Sid          But not cash.

Chris      Oh, you'll get your percentage.  Eventually.

Sid          Ah, now there's another thing.  How come I only get fifteen per cent?  And why do you work it out in American money anyhow?

Chris      Pardon?

Sid          Well, if I'm getting fifteen per cent who's getting the other - well, whatever's left after you take fifteen away from a cent?  Hold hard, I'll work it out for myself ........... is it a nickel?

Chris      I suppose you've never heard of overheads, Sid?

Sid          'Course I have.  Overheads are special covers what stop you getting sprayed on when you go to the toilet at sea.  My Uncle Albert told me that.  I don't see what they've got to do with it.

Chris      Well overheads are also the costs involved in supporting an operation like ours.  Things like paper clips; software and hardware; executive bonuses and so on.  Postage.

Sid          Ah, now I've got you!  Now I've caught you with your trousers in the till!  You can't fool me with your postage, 'cause I know exactly what that is.  Postage is the ancient right to put posts on the common, so how can that be overhead?  If you'd said underfoot you might have got away with it, but never overhead.

Chris      Look, let me put it another way.  Before the money is shared out I have to deduct all the running expenses for the business - what we call the overheads.  It's all above board.  You're perfectly welcome to inspect the books.

Sid          No thank you very much.  As far as I'm concerted when you've inspected one book you've inspected them all.  They're all the same.  They've got 'by Chris Sugden and Sid Kipper' on the covers, and then hundreds of pages of words inside.  Oh, and 'published by the Household Press'.

Chris      Mousehold Press, actually.  But surely you're not saying you don't like the books, are you?

Sid          Well, no.  I have to say I'm pleasantly surprised - you know I have to say that 'cause it was part of the agreement.  But having said that, which I had to, I'll admit they're very good books.  Although I still think they could have more relations in them.

Chris      Well, there's Cromeo and Sheriet consummating their passion in 'Crab Wars', and Wayne and Lebam in 'Cod Pieces', and no end of the like in the song books.  Isn't that enough?

Sid          What?  No, I din't mean them sort of relations.  I meant my relations - my Kath and kin.

Chris      Well, they appear in every book Sid.  You didn't tell me about them.

Sid          Well, alright - if you put it that way.  Only I still reckon you could have written them with bigger parts.  Anyhow, that just leave me one more question.

Chris      Indeed?  And what is that?

Sid          Whose round is it?

Chris      Oh, that's easy.  It's yours.

Sid          How'd you work that one out?

Chris      I have my methods, Sid;  I have my methods.