MALLARD IMAGINAIRE

This is a fancy French recipe for roast duck, only without the duck.  Well, for lot's of us there's no meat, is there?  And it's not because we're vegimitarians.  I'm talking about what they call 'butcher's meat'.  So there's loads of recipes without no meat at all in them.  Like Steak Ta-ta, which is very similar but with different trimmings.  Or Lack Of Ram.  Another thing you can do is say there'll be Yorkshire pudding, and when they asked where it is you say it's in Yorkshire, of course.  A good housewife have to be clever and hope they're stupid, which they usually are.

INGREDIENTS :  No duck.

METHOD :  Prepare all the trimmings as usual.

TIP :  It's very handy if someone should turn up with a duck, just at the right moment.  Of course, that won't be butcher's meat either.  But I don't ask where the menfolk get such things from, because least said soonest mended and careless talk cost lives - and we can't afford anything what costs.  Let's just say that the English name for this recipe is Poached Duck, and leave it at that.