ROASTED TURKEY

"This here is a good way of dealing with problem turkeys.  I always serve it with horse chestnut stuffing" (see below).

INGREDIENTS

One turkey (or more if you've got an infestation).

METHOD

Stuff it, put it in the oven, and roast it.

TIP

A turkey always takes longer to cook than you think.  Which means that even if you know that, and allow extra time, it'll still be half raw when you want to serve it up.

HORSE CHESTNUT STUFFING

"You have to have stuffing at Christmas, else there'd be nothing for people to make smutty jokes about.  The same go for breast, leg, stockings, crackers and nuts."

INGREDIENTS

One horse, and one chestnut.  The chestnut can be one you've kept for a bit, but the horse must be fresh.

METHOD

Mix together thoroughly, and use to stuff the turkey.  If you aren't having turkey that could be a bit of a problem.

TIP

Be careful not to stuff the horse, and then try to mix thoroughly with the turkey.