SID KIPPER'S WALNUT-SHELL PRIMER

(ALWAYS USE AT LEAST TWO COATS)

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE WALNUT-SHELLS

Walnuts were first brought into the country by the Romans, who smuggled them through customs - nobody knows when they were first brought into the city.  I don't know why they brought them, because nobody was playing the walnuts then, so it was a waste of time.  Of course, when they did start playing them they came in very handy, so that was a bit of luck really.

So when did they start playing the walnut-shells?  Well, I'm glad you asked me that, because the answer is that nobody knows.  Some say that Hereford the Wake, who was fighting against the common market, started using them as a way to signal to his men across the Fens.  Some say that wandering minsters took to banging their nuts together to draw a crowd.  Mind you, some say that Cyril Cockle was eaten by a giant pink hedgehog on his way home from the Old Goat Inn, so I shouldn't go too much by what any of them say.  What I say is that they started playing them a long time ago, and that's all you need to know .

The next important thing in a brief history was the invention of knicker elastic.  Of course this was important for other things beside walnut-shells.  It was important for knickers, for a start, because before that they were falling down all the time.  No wonder they call them the good old days!  Anyhow, before this the walnut-shells were tied on with ribbons.  You couldn't do that yourself, so each player had to have a ribbontieroner to tie their ribbons on.  When elastic was invented the ribontieroners went on strike in protest, but that was a waste of time as they'd all just been sacked.  They're still on strike as a matter of fact, although they should have retired years ago now.  They have an annual demo when they march around Trunch in their bath chairs, cut any knicker elastic they can get their hands on, and then settle down to talk about the good old days round a burning brassiere.  But the ribbons never came back, except for ceremonial occasions.

Finally, I started playing the walnut-shells, and their place in history was assured, as they were being played by such a famous megostar.

And so you get where we are today - wherever that is.

STARTING FROM BASICS - FOUR STEPS TO SUCCESS

Step 1   If you want to start from basics you'd better plant a walnut (smuggled through customs if possible) and then find something else to do for a few years while you wait for it to grow.  Otherwise you should nick some walnuts from Mrs Dace's Corner Shop like I do.

Step 2   Take a walnut knife and carefully split a walnut in two.  Scrape the nut out and eat it - this will help you keep going.  Keep splitting nuts till you get two pairs of whole halves.

Step 3a   Now you need a drill, and the drill is this;- bore two holes in each shell, thread some knicker elastic through, and tie it so the shells fit over your thumb and middle finger.

Step 3b   Now check to see that you have done step 3a so that the open start of the shell is outwards - if not start again (though you don't have to plant a new tree).

Step 4   There is no step 4.  The four steps are Step 1, Step 2, Step 3a and Step 3b - can't you count?  If you need any more steps I suggest you start at step 1 again.  If not you are ready to start to learn to play your nuts.

CARRYING ON FROM BASIC

SOME SIMPLE EXERCISES

Do 50 star jumps, 20 press ups, and go for a run round the village.  This won't help with playing the nuts because you'll be too tired, but it's up to you.  Otherwise ignore this bit.

TONE

Start by banging the shells together and trying to get a good tone.  You'll know when you get it because people will stop saying "For goodness sake stop that awful row, you've got a terrible tone", and they'll just say "For goodness sake stop that awful row".

RHYTHM

Once you have tone you can try rhythm.  The walnut-shells will play any rhythm you like, and some you won't like, but the best sort to start with are the World Music ones.  With them you can play any off-beat, out-of-time sort of rhythm you like and people will still tell you how clever you are.  You can then work up to something really difficult like the waltz.

STYLE

Style is the most important and the most difficult thing of all.  Of course if you're playing on the wireless or for a load of blind people it doesn't matter, but if people can see you then it does.  That's why a lot of people like to start their careers on In Touch.  I don't want to get personal, but style is really a personal thing.  If you've got it already like me you can ignore the next bit.  If not, you could try Widow Hake's Walnut Workout, which was invented for the Over Eighties Airobatics, but mostly nicked from me.  It changes all the time, but this is what she did last time I saw it:

"Has everyone got their elastic tight?  then let's pump our nuts.  And it's up, and down, and down, and down - both hands Mrs Trout - and up, and up.  Now into pairs, and try to get your leg over; I think you'd better not try this in that leotard, Henry - try it in your own instead.  Now let's really swing them;  that's it, chests out - no, that's not what I meant Edith, put them away again.  Now push against it; can you feel the burn Mr Cockle? - well I told you last week to use some Vaseline.  And let's finish off with some cross banging; and stop.  I said stop!  Henry, get the fire bucket and throw it over those two, will you?"

CHOICE AND CARE OF THE NUTS

You should take care to have a good pair of nuts available.  Sometimes English ones can be too soft, and Californian ones can be too brittle.  I always use Chinese ones, mainly because that's what Mrs Dace has in her shop.  And you should always look after your nuts.  After use you - or someone else - should give them a good wipe down with some walnut oil.  This helps keep them in good nick, and if you look after your nuts they should give satisfaction for many years to come.

SEVEN THINGS YOU DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE WALNUT-SHELLS

1         'Castanets is Spanish for Chestnut.  This just shows how daft the Spanish are, because chestnuts don't have two halves, so you can't bang them together.  And if they did and you could they would just fall apart, and you'd be left with knicker elastic wound round your fingers, which isn't always a good thing.           

2         The old Wighton Walnut Song had the chorus:  

"With me ran-tan-tan and me rin-tin-tin,

With a woah! and a way-hay-hay;

And when she saw his nuts so trim

She could not him gainsay."

3          The second Wednesday in Lent used to be known as Walnut Wednesday, because on this day "No walnut may be eaten or beaten".  The punishment was to be forced to drink five pints of beer against your will.  At one time this was a very popular custom.

4         The Walnut-shells are mainly played in the South of England.  This is because walnuts do not grow well in the North, which is why they had to invent the bagpipes instead.

5         You don't need to be able to read music to play the walnut-shells.  The traditional notation is simply "Start banging" and "Stop banging".  There are diagrams for those who can't read.

6         In America the walnut is known as the 'Shagbark'.  They're worse than the Spanish if you ask me.

7         The Trunch Walnut Dancers can be seen dancing through the street of St Just-near-Trunch at midnight on May 1st - or rather, they can be heard only since the bulb in street lamp stopped working.  They are a breathtaking sound, as they whirl and leap in their traditional walnut costumes.  

8          The Nuts Of Shame were played by the Backup Walnut Dancers at the Sidmouth International Festival of 1996.  A pair are on display in the Coote Memorial Museum in St Just.

Walnut-shell playing almost died out until I save it single-handed - well, two handed in fact - and we must stop it happening again.  So please practice hard, and pass your nuts on to your children when you go.  Good luck,

Sid Kipper!

Sid plays a top of the range matched pair of Winkles walnuts, which come in a hand-tooled nut case. The knicker elastic is Marks and Spencer's finest, and his nuts are hand-sprayed gold.