THE LATERAL HISTORY OF CATTLE

As related by Sid Kipper

Cattle split up into cows, bulls, and all the others sorts like steers, heifers and so on.  Some people say bullocks, but that's just rude.  They come in various shapes and sizes, as well as different colours and finishes.  For instance, they can be shaggy or smooth.  Let me give you a tip.  I'd go for shaggy if I were you.  That way if you changed your mind, and wanted smooth, then you could always shave them.  Whereas if you got smooth and then wanted shaggy, you'd have a hell of a lot of sticking on to do.

"Christina Hole, in Superstitions of Death and the Supernatural claims "Although fairy cattle were sometimes dun, or red, or even, in one Irish case, sea-green, they were usually said to be white, with red ears"."

Well, that's as may be, but what were the Irish doing with cattle in a case in the first place, that's what I'd like to know?  It sounds like cruelty to me.

Unless she means they used the cattle's hides to make the case with.  Because a lot of people forget that leather comes from cattle, which is why vegetarians never have any money with them, because they refuse to carry a wallet.  I just wonder how vegetarian horse riders manage.  Perhaps they ride bare-back.

But all that talk of colours of cattle was irrelevant round our way, when I was a boy.  Because in those days most of the cattle were Friesians.  That was because, in the old days of black and white, Friesians were perfectly camouflaged, which made them hard to rustle.  Of course, now we've all got colour they stick out like a sore thumb, so if you want to try to rustle them you can.  Although I've never managed to do it.  Whenever I try to rustle them they make no noise at all where I'm operating, but they moo like hell at the other end and walk off.

Vets have to spend a lot of time with their arms up cows' bottoms, which is as good an advert for not being a vet as I can think of.  Still, perhaps the vets enjoy it.  It takes all sorts.  Mind you, I'm pretty sure the cows don't think much of it, because you often see them trying to get away, dragging their vets behind them.  Which is as good an advert for not being a cow as I can think of.

"According to Margaret Baker in Discovering Christmas Customs and folklore: "A very common belief is that cattle turn to the east at midnight on Christmas Eve and bow (in Herefordshire only seven-year-old cattle do this since this was the age of the cattle at Bethlehem) and in some districts conservative cattle bowed on Old Christmas eve (5th January) and ignored the calendar alterations of 1752"."

Well, that's nothing!  Conservative cattle round our way go a lot further than that.  They demand the return of hand milking, and campaign for the abolition of the hectare.  Why do you think milk still comes in pint bottles?

Now, cattle are very important, because they give us milk, beef, leather and bull fighting.  Personally I don't hold with bull fighting, because the bulls aren't asked if they want to fight, are they?  I mean, if someone says to me "Do you want to step outside and discuss it further" that's fair enough, because I know what's coming.  But if you said that to a bull, they'd probably think you really meant that you wanted a discussion.  So they wouldn't be ready when you hit them, and that wouldn't be fighting fair, would it?

Some cows are silly, while others are downright mad.  Mind you, the mad cows have an excuse, because they've got a proper disease called BSM, which is caused by having a nasty experience on the road with a learner driver.  Silly cows are just silly, and that's that and there's no more to be said about it.  You have to wonder why people bother to call them silly cows, though, since they're too daft to make anything of it, anyway.

"Christina Hole again:  "If straying cattle break into a garden or private enclosure, it is a death omen for someone in the family of the garden's owner.  As many animals as break in, so many deaths will there be within the year"."

Well, that may be true some places, but not in St Just-near-Trunch.  In St Just it's very much the other way round.  Most private enclosures here belong to Lord Silver-Darling, so if cattle break in there it's much more of an omen for the owners of the cattle.  And they needn't wait for a year, either.  His Lordship will be round there with a shotgun right away.  Very often he doesn't even stop to put a dressing gown on.  And, I can tell you, having Lord Silver-Darling banging on your door in his night-shirt is a very bad omen indeed.

"And again:  "If a cow lows three times in a man's face, he has not long to live"."

Well!  If you ask me, anyone who lets a cow low three times in their face has already lost the will to live as far as I'm concerned.  Why call it lowing, anyhow?  I thought cows mooed.  Unless lowing is sort of bass mooing.  In which case I suppose soprano mooing would be highing.  And then there must be middling as well.  I reckon you learn something new every day, even if you'd rather not.