THE LATERAL HISTORY OF FISH

As related by Sid Kipper

I'm going to air fish.  Although, to be frank, that doesn't actually do them a lot of good.  They're like fish out of water, so to speak.  But it does make you think, doesn't it, how we breathe air and fish breath water?  I mean, if we breathed water, we'd have to wear goldfish bowls on our heads all the time.  Which would mean the end of all folk singing as we know it, because you wouldn't be able to get your finger in your ear!.

But I'm not just airing fish.  I'm also airing whales, which isn't nearly so cruel, because they breath air, just like you and me.  Except they use their blowholes differently, of course.  But years ago people thought that whales were fish, so I'll include them in.

Now to hear people go on about it you'd think that whaling must be a lot of fun.  I mean, otherwise why would you have to try so hard to stop people wanting to do it?  But the truth is that nearly all the old songs about whaling were actually about how miserable it all was, and how they all got drowned and nobody lived to tell that tale.

"According to Brewer "Our forefathers seemed to confuse the walrus with a whale; ivory was made from the teeth of the walrus, and "white as whalebone" is really a blunder for "white as walrus-ivory"."

But nowadays you hardly dare to sing any whaling songs anyway.  Or walrussing songs, if you're a forefather.  That's due to people getting upset.  Now, years ago we had a saying - "Stones and sticks may hurt Bert Hicks, but singing an old whaling song will never hurt him".  Well, that's not true now.  And I don't just mean because Bert Hicks has changed.  Although he has, of course.  Decomposed by now, I should think.

No.  The thing is, and I don't know if you've noticed it, but people get upset ever so easy these days.  It's a real shame.  I mean, years ago you could spend a whole evening getting someone upset, and when they finally lost their rag you got real sense of achievement.  But nowadays they fly off the handle before you've hardly started, and there's no sense of achievement in that, is there?

If you listened to all these people you'd end up singing things like 'How Can We Council The Drunken Sailor', and 'No, John, No - And When I Say No I Mean No'.  I have tried changing one or two whaling songs into fishing songs, because they're still allowed, but that didn't really work.  You end up with stuff like 'The Greenland Fish Fishery' and 'The Last of the Great Fish', which doesn't really have the same ring about it.

So the only thing to do is to go with Flo, and sing anti-whaling songs instead.  Now I happen to know a brand new spanking up to date one, which was written by our vicar.  He wrote it as a sort of a shanty for when they go out anti-whaling in their anti-whaling ships.  Here's a bit:

'Those whaler men, damn their eyes

Heave up, me boys, heave away!,

Should pick on something their own size

God bless the Prince of Whales!.'

I reckon that should put an end to whaling.

There's another sort of whaling song you do get, all about Losing The Whale.  Now you might think that's careless, losing a blooming great thing like a whale, but they were daft in the old days.  I mean, they managed to lose the Empire, didn't they, never mind a whale!  But never mind the whale, we've got other fish to fry.

In the old days, the big fish was the herring.  Well, no, the big fish was the whale, like I've already told you, but what I mean is that what the herring lacked in size, they made up for in enthusiasm.  They used to call them the 'silver darlings', on account of their colouring, and their affectionate nature.

"There are national differences in herring consumption.  Shakespeare's Sir Toby Belch, for instance, declares "A plague o' these pickle-herrings", while Burns has Tam o' Shanter told "In hell they'll roast thee like a herrin'"."

Now herring were great travellers.  They used to start off every year around about Ireland, and then they used to go up to Scotland, and then all the way down the East coast of England.  And all the herring boats used to go after them.  Well, for years they didn't know why the herring did all that travelling, but now I can tell you.  It was because of all them herring boats, chasing after them.  You see, if they'd just left them alone no doubt they'd have stayed where they were, and minded their own business.

But as soon as the boats started chasing them, of course off the herring would go, and the more they chased them the more they ran.  Mind you, they weren't very good at running, having no legs, so a lot of them got caught and had to pay a forfeit.

And the proof of what I'm telling you is that since the boats stopped chasing them, we don't get any herring down our way at all!

You see, the trouble with herring is that you can't trust them.  One day you're thinking 'I could just do with a nice herring', and the next day you've got a boat full of them.  And then what can you do?.  I mean, you can boil them, or fry them, or get them soused, but they'll still taste of herring.  Years ago some people used to smoke them, but they got terrible coughs and had to give up.

"According to T Sharper Knowlson sharks knew if there was a dying man aboard a ship.  He quotes a bosun;

"Them there sharks have more sense in them than most Christchuns.  They knows wots wot, I can tell yer; doctors ain't in it with sharks.  I've heard sharks larf when the doctor has told a sick man he was convalescent - larf, sir, outright, 'cos they knew what a blessed mistake he was making.  They are following up the scent of a man on board now that's going to die, and they'll not leave us until such times be as they get him"."

Of course, laughing sharks are all extinct now.  I reckon that was because they got on people's nerves.  If they'd only had the sense to just keep quiet, and basked, or hammered their heads, like the others, I dare say they'd be with us still.

But so far I haven't made any mention of freshwater fish.  Well, I have now.  There's three sorts of freshwater songs, actually.  There's pet fish, coarse fish, and refined fish.  But don't worry, I shan't be printing any coarse fishing songs.

Pet fish are things like goldfish, and guppies, and the like.  They make very good pets for people that don't really like pets.  You see, they don't have to be groomed, or taken for walks, and they hardly ever need washing.  Also, they're very faithful.  They almost never run away, which is why you don't see fish wardens with nets going about the streets, rounding up stray fish.

Refined fish are things like salmons, who swim around with their noses in the air, and are born with silver spoons in their mouths.  Right jumped-up fish they are.

"Sir Walter Scott says that in 1697 "salmon was caught in such plenty that, instead of being counted a delicacy, it was generally applied to feed the servants, who are said sometimes to have stipulated that they should not be required to eat food so luscious and surfeiting above five times a week"."

My Uncle George was a fly fisherman.  As a matter of fact he was so fly that he never got caught.  Not for fishing, anyway.  As for casting, well, there's far too much mystery made about it.  All you need to do for that is to join Equity, and hope for the best.

The third sort of freshwater fish are coarse fish.  Now they're called coarse fish because people used to eat them at banquets in the old days, for the fish course.  Nowadays you don't have a fish course, of course, unless you're vegetarian.  Vegetarians reckon fish are alright to eat because they're cold blooded.  That means my uncle Len would be alright for vegetarians to eat, because he's cold blooded too.  They can have him, for all I care, if the fish don't get him first.

The other things that like eating coarse fish are pike.  But then, pike aren't fussy eaters.  They fancy anything with fins on, including other pike.  If you were to stock a small pond with lots of little pikelets, and then come back after a while, you'd find you'd got just one big fish in a small pond.

You can try catching pike by spinning for them from a boat, but take my advice and use tennis balls.  They'll float, so you can get them back again.  Mind you, you'll still be wasting your time.  Because it doesn't matter if you spin leg breaks, off spins, or chinamen and goolies, in my experience you won't catch any pike anyhow.  I mean, you'd have to be very lucky to score a direct hit on one.

But, then, that would suit some people.  You see, a lot of people who go in for coarse fishing don't do it to catch fish.  They do it to relax.  In fact, if a fish does accidentally disturb them by getting on their line, then all they do is put it in a keep net, to make sure it doesn't bother them by getting caught again.  Then they put them back when they've finished, and lie about how big the one that got away was.

"Verses at the Isaac Walton Inn, Dovedale:

'Lord give me grace that even I may catch so fine and fat a fish

That there will be no need to lie, to gratify my wildest wish.

Hullo, what's this, what is this; no wish to lie about a fish?'"

Why man 'twould spoil 'bout half the sport, to give no more than true report!"

So that's that for fish.  I'm going to put a dab of roes water behind my ears, and nip off down to the Fisherman's Friend for a pint or two of shrimps.  But before I go I'll tell you how to make roes water.  You just take three herring roes, soak them overnight in a bowl of water, and then dab it behind your ears.  It's guaranteed to get you a place at the bar!