THE LATERAL HISTORY OF HORSE AND HOUND

As related by Sid Kipper

Now if you go to watch the hunt, you'll see the old traditional team in action.  That is, huntsmen and saboteurs.  But another old traditional team is horses and hounds, so I'll talk about that.

"The many public houses called The Horse and Hounds are not, as you may think, places where the hunt used to meet.  The name is, in fact, a corruption of the services once offered at such establishments, and those who offered them - Whores and Hands - being types of workers who operated horizontally and vertically respectively."

Now horses and hounds have a lot of things in common.  They both have four legs, a tail, and ears that can prick if you don't wear gloves.  They're both working animals - or if they're not working you can always get them fixed.  You can race them both, and bet on the outcome.  You used to be able to fight them both, but horse wrestling has all but died out now.  You can whip them, and you can take them for walks, although properly speaking the horse should take you for walks.  And you can shoe them both.  Mind you, whenever I shoe a dog it just keeps on following me.

Actually, horses and hounds also have a lot not in common, so really it's half of one and six dozen of the other!  For instance, horses are useless at fetching sticks.  On the other hand, dogs aren't much good at whinnying.  So all in all I think it's best to deal with them separately after all.

Let's investigate horses.  And, if my investigations lead to anything, you can rest assured that the authorities will be informed, and they'll end up at the very next horse trial I can find.

If you have a horse with 4 white legs, keep him not a day;

If you have a horse with 3 white legs, send him far away;

If you have a horse with 2 white legs, sell him to a friend;

If you have a horse with 1 white leg, keep him to the end.

My old Uncle Weginald used to have a horse with one white leg and three wuddy left ones.

Now, unlike today, most horses in the old days weren't used for racing.  Mostly they were used for ploughing, and harrowing, and pulling carts, and all that sort of farm work.  I can remember when I was a boy.  Still, I expect most people can remember when they were a boy.  Except those who were girls, of course.

Big farms would have lots of horses, but some little small holdings only had the one horse, which made it all the more valuable still.  It would be called Dobbin, and be really well looked after.  If it was a mare it might be serviced by a passing stallion.  People used to 'walk' these stallions from farm to farm, offering their services.  Or you could have the stallion's service - it was up to you.  If you chose the stallion, then the walker had to help it.  I won't go into the details, in case you're eating your tea.  Suffice it to say that after a bit the walkers often used to feel quite inadequate.

"Anon insists that:

I know two things about the horse,

And one of them is rather coarse."

Of course, years ago, just owning a horse could transform your life.  Take my ancestor, 'Gentleman' Jack Kipper (born 1735, presumed dead).  Before he got a horse he was just a failed foot-pad and cutpurse, full of bad intentions that never worked out.  But then he got a horse called Turnip, from his friend, Black Bess.  Well, that meant he'd got transport, you see.  He could do the fast get-away, and so on.  Things were never the same after he got that horse.  It even got him a wife.  Mind you, that was through things not working out, as usual.  You see, he kidnapped a banker's daughter, riding off with her, boldly thrown across his saddle.  But when he asked for a ransom they said she was surplus to requirements and he could keep her.  So he married her to make her an honest victim.

That horse made him rich, too.  He used it to try and hold up a coach, only he did it at night, so as not to be seen.  Well, he wasn't seen by the coach either, so it ran him over.  The coach company were very apologetic, and they paid him loads and loads of compensation.  Plus they let him keep the coach horn.  Well, it would have been difficult to remove it, and it was bent beyond repair, anyway.

"According to a reliable authority, horses were believed to be very susceptible to the influence of witches and fairies, so holed stones, magical plants, and many other charm-objects were hung about the stable to protect them."

And, of course, horses were also used in hunting.  Usually they were used with hounds, which I'll come to a in a bit.  But sometimes they were used without hounds, like when they were hunting old people.  I know they used dogs for that in some places, but round our way they never did, because the old people complained.  They didn't mind the hunting.  Just the dogs. 

"Written by a horse-trough:

A man of kindness to his steed is kind,

A brutal action shows a brutal mind.

Remember He who made thee, made the brute,

He can't complain, but God's all-seeing eye

Beholds thy cruelty and hears his cry.

He was designed thy servant, not thy drudge,

Remember his creator is thy Judge."

Well, whatever next.  A horse-trough that can write!  But it's time to move on to hounds, which are dogs, although not all dogs are hounds.

"The word 'dog' is derived from the term 'dog', meaning to follow.  Until the seventeenth century dogs were known as 'hounds' - which comes from the word 'hound', meaning to dog."

I hope that clears that up.  Now, as it happens, I know a bit about dogs, because I used to be a collier.  Of course, you may not know what a collier is, so I'll tell you.  A collier is like a beagler, only we do it with collies instead.  They used to go out collieing in all weathers, and get cold and wet and miserable, and then they'd get in the pub and get warm and dry and extremely cheerful, and sing all the old colliers chorus songs in praise of their dogs, like Wild Rover and stuff like that.  You see, hunting isn't just about killing things.

"John Dryden proclaims:

Better to hunt in field, for health unbought,

Than fee the doctor for a nauseous draught.

The wise, for cure, on exercise depend;

God never made his work for man to mend."

Anyhow, when they said they went hunting in the old days they didn't actually do any hunting themselves.  I mean, get a pack of huntsmen all togged up in hunting red and jodhpurs and all that, and set them off after a fox on foot, and they wouldn't stand a chance.  No, they had horses to ride on, and dogs to do the actual hunting.  And they didn't just chase foxes, either.  Not by any matter of beans.  They chased rabbits, voles, anything that moved.

Round my way everyone is looking for loopholes to get round the new laws.  Some say you could just use the bitches.  Some people reckon you could tame the mammals, and then chase them.  I know one bloke who's trying to train up a pack of old ladies' cats to go hunting, but he reckons it's not going well.  They can't concentrate on one prey, so they just kill or maim every bird and small animal they come across.

The best bet at the moment seems to be to get out the old beetle hounds again.  Then they could revive the beetle drive.  That was always a wonderful sight, seeing them all charging out over the fields and meadows, the hounds in full cry, all after a little beetle.  And they reckoned the beetle didn't mind.  They reckoned the beetle enjoyed being chased for miles and then torn limb from limb by the hounds.

"On a Cornish dog's collar:

Fools have been peeping and wanting to see!

I am John Jolliffe's dog!  What's that to thee?

John Jolliffe's my master, Polperro my home,

So mind your own business and leave me alone."

Of course the most famous huntsman ever was Ken Peel, who was immobilised in the song 'Do You Know Ken Peel'.  He was made famous after he heard a bloke called Wild Oscar say that hunting was "the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable".  Well, that got him proper riled.  He thought "I'll prove that bloke wrong".  He knew he couldn't do anything about the unspeakable, but ,do you know, he come up with a marvellous recipe for devilled fox.

"October the 18th is Dog Whipping Day.  According to Brewer "It is said that a dog once swallowed the consecrated wafer in York Minster on this day"."

Dogs go back a long way - although they're generally better going forwards.  They're descended from wolves, which were domesticated to do useful work.  A bit like Cyril Cockle, really, only a bit more successful.  Over the years they've done all sorts of work from hunting and tracking, to pulling milk carts and herding sheep.  There's dogs for the blind and dogs for the deaf.  And dumb people can get dogs who yap for them in Morse code.

"According to Dean's Junior Golden Guide to dogs "In the past dogs were sometimes thought to be divine.  Aztecs, Hurons and other Indians ate dogs as part of religious ceremonies."

Of course, posh dogs are pedigree chumps, that go to Crufts every year.  I once went there to find out what Crufts stands for, and I soon found out that they don't stand for anything.  I was thrown out immediately.  Personally I prefer a good mongrel or a Norfolk lurcher myself, and generally speaking, they prefer me, too.  But some of these dogs can be worth a lot of money.  Of course, as any dog lover will tell you, you can't put a price on a dog.  But you can get a price on a dog.  In fact, I'd be happy to oblige you myself.

In the end, you have to say that a dog is a man's best friend.  Mind you, he must have some funny friends, that man.  None of my friends yap all night, bite your ankles, and then make a mess on the pavement.  Yap a bit, yes.  Make a mess on the pavement, certainly.  But never the ankle biting.

So that's horses and hounds, which would be buy one get one free, only you didn't even buy the one, so if you've got any complaints I'll only say you got what you paid for.