THE ROAD TO IRSTEAD PIER

 recorded for BBC Radio Norfolk in 2004

How d'you do?  This is Sid Kipper here, which is all well and good, but that don't tell you where here is, does it?  Well, it don't really matter, 'cos we aren't stopping here anyway.  Because today we're going on an adventure, on the road to Irstead Pier.  Which starts right here - oh, alright, I'll tell you where here is.  Here is on the A1151 Wroxham to nowhere road, but our road heads east, into deepest Norfolk.  Well, you can't get much deeper than the Broads.

So if you want to come along we'll hear some sights, see some people, and play some music.  Only I haven't had time to sort out all the music, so my assistant, Hand-held Mike, is going to put that in later.  So when you get back, Mike, could you put in here some music about adventure/exploring-type things - in the East:

The Bonzo Dog Band - Hunting Tigers Out in India

Well, now we're on our way, off the main drag.  Down here there's only local traffic, which, as you probably know, is the most dangerous sort.  That's because the drivers know the road like the back of their hands.  Well, if that's the case, all I can say is they must wear gloves most of the time.  And to get ourselves in the countryside mood I thought I'd do you a story by my uncle George, that I recorded on my storytelling album Cod Pieces.  Then I thought well, hang on a minute, since I went to all that trouble recording it, then maybe I should give you the benefit.  So put that in here, will you Mike?  This is a true story - only the facts have been changed to protect the author.

Sid Kipper - Flora And Fauna

Now if you're following this on a map, we're heading east on a yellow road towards Neatishead.  If you're not following on a map then we still are, but in black and white, due to this being the wireless.  At Neatishead we're going to have an overnight stop.  But don't put the cocoa on yet, because there's lots to see and do first.  For instants, as we go along there's a number of interesting turnings.  We could go off to the dried flower centre if we had a mind.  I do have a mind, but I don't think I will.  I get all I want about dried flowers from Mother.  She never can remember to water them.

On our right hand side the countryside here is very common.  There's Butchers Common, Workhouse Common, and Three Hammer Common.  Well, I can see how the first two must have got their names.  I suppose at Butchers Common there must have been a famous murder.  And at Workhouse Common there must have been a house - that worked.  But Three Hammer Common - well, it must have been a very tedious place is all I can say, if the most important thing that every happened there was having three hammers.  I mean, can you imagine the excitement?  One day they've only got two hammers, then all of a sudden a third one turns up!  They must have talked about it for weeks.

On our left is far from common.  Because on our left is Beeston Hall, which we can't go to because it's privatised.  Now this is where Norfolk can get very confusing for people, because Beeston Hall is not in Beeston Park.  Beeston Park is over near Spixworth.  And neither of them are anywhere near Beeston, which is up in the hills, the other side of Dereham.  As for Beeston Regis - well, I think he played in goal for Cromer Crabs.

Norfolk's full of stuff like that.  For instance, why isn't there a Great Barningham?  Or a South Tuddenham?  What happened to Middle Snoring?

Anyhow, we can't hang about and worry about that.  We've got to press on, so while we do I'll get Hand-held Mike to give you more of a feel of the countryside.  Put in some of that pasteurised music - some sort of rap soddy or whatever.  Something from that football woman - Delia's .......

Buffy St-Marie - I'm Gonna Be A Country Girl Again

Now we've arrived in the street at Neatishead.  Back in the 19th century this wasn't called Neatishead at all - this was called Neatishead Street.  In those days Neatishead was where Three Hammer Common is now.  But I suppose when they finally got that third hammer, the excitement was so great they changed the name.  And where we are dropped the Street.  Which is just as well, I suppose, because otherwise I'd have to say we've arrived in Neatishead Street street, and that would just be daft.  Mind you, it'd come in handy if you were looking for something to rhyme with 'tweet tweet', I suppose.  Or sweet-meat.  But then you could always rhyme them with each other, couldn't you?  ........  where was I? - Oh yes, here.

Now Neatishead is famous for a number of things which I can't bring to mind at the moment, but one of them may be cricket.  Because only this September I witnessed a Neatishead 22 take on a Norwich Wanderers 11, and come as high as second.  Norwich Wanderers play just on a bit on down that road, at Barton Turf.  I think they just wandered till they couldn't wander no further without getting their feet wet fielding at Deep Mid-winter.

And I'm not the only one who's seen cricket at Neatishead.  Our vicar wrote one of his Letters To The Truncheons about it.  I'll get someone to read it for you:

Sid Kipper - Derek's Third Letter To The Truncheons

I don't know if you know the vicar of St Just-near-Trunch?  The Rev 'Call-me-Derek' Bream.  Just known as 'Call-me' in the village.  Either that, or 'the Happy Clappy Chappy', due to the new, up-to-the-date, hymns he's brought in, like 'Will Your Anchor Spread On The Toast Of Life'.

There's a song about him on the singing album I did recent - Chained Melody.  It's by my uncle George, AK47 'The Trunch One', due to him being locked up for something he didn't do.  It's all part of the campaign for his release, so he can be tried for all the things he did do!

Sid Kipper - The Happy Clappy Chappy

This is Sid Kipper, on the road to Irstead Pier, in the company of Hand-held Mike.  And we've now come to the White Hearse pub in Neatishead, on account of Caister lifeboat.  Now, obviously Caister lifeboat don't actually do a lot of rescues in Neatishead, due to the fact that Neatishead have got their own inshore boat.  But what they do have in Neatishead, at the back of the White Hearse, is the Caister lifeboat shop, what I've been asked to come and do the official opening of.  I expect that's because my uncle Albert used to do a lot of work with the RNLIB - that's the Royal National Lifeboat Institute for the Blind.

Of course, if you've been to Neatishead recently you'll know that the shop has actually been open all summer.  But it hasn't been open officially.  It's a bit like the Old Goat Inn in my village - a lot of the time that's open, but not officially.  You just have to knock twice and ask for Ernie.  Only you want to take care what you knock twice on.

And I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself!  Because everyone else is thinking why is the Caister lifeboat shop in Neatishead?  Well, it could prove handy, what with global warning.  But the real reason is the landlord of the pub, Andy, come from Caister.  And he can't go back there because Caister men never turn back.  It's a well known fact.  And has been for a long time.  My great uncle, Jimmy 'Am I Boring You?' Kipper used to do a monologue about it.  I think I can remember a bit:

So she took him up to her bedroom;

She said "I do hope that you've got the knack.

Just you turn back the sheets and we'll have a fine time";

He said "Caister men never turn back".

It wasn't especially popular, but that never stopped Jimmy.

Well, I think that went alright.  I don't know why I don't get asked to open more shops.  Except most of them open rather early in the morning for me.  You know what they say - the early bird catches the worm, and who wants to catch worms?  Anyhow, time for some music, I think.  Mike - when you get back, could you just put in some shopping music.  Shopping music with an eastern flavour:

Coope, Boyes and Simpson - Welcome To The West

Now the strange thing about Caister lifeboat shop is that they doesn't actually sell lifeboats.  They sell all sorts of local stuff, like sauces from Yarmouth, books by famous local authors such as myself, pictures by local artists, and, of course, Caister lifeboat souvenirs - even though there's no lifeboat here for them to be a souvenir of.  And all the profits go to help the funds for the lifeboat.

Now, I say they don't sell lifeboats, but they might do soon, because Caister are looking to buy a new lifeboat, so there could be a second-hand one available.  Of course, if they really want to know about fund raising they should read my uncle George's book, 'Man of Convictions', available from all good outlets - and the Caister Lifeboat Shop.  George raised lots of funds in his time.  Of course, they shouldn't follow him too close, otherwise they'll have to join him at Her Majesty's Pleasure.  All I can say is he must give her a lot of pleasure, because he's been pleasuring her for a long time now.  But I'll say no more.  Ask George about it if you want to know more.  Only you'll have to go to the Isle of Wight to do it:

Sid Kipper - We're Norfolk and Good

Now, I'm not just here in Neatishead for the shop opening.  There's also other fund-raising things, like a handmade Norfolk Sauce tasting - I've just had some Channells no5, and very nice it was too.

But the main thing they're having is what they call a Herring Night.  Now what that is is a sort of a night, featuring herring.  The herring don't actually do much - apart from getting eaten.  And then we have some entertainment, which is where I come in.  They've got me in to add a touch of class.  And because I'm a bit of an expert on herring.

Dave Burland - The Shoals Of Herring

 Well, that went pretty well.  And now we're stopping overnight before we set off on the last leg tomorrow, so goodnight.  Mike - you can leave now.  Find your own bed.  Oh, and put some music in here suitable for like a great explorer resting up before final push:

Coope, Boyes and Simpson - Little Man You've Had A Busy Day

This is Sid Kipper, in Neatishead, on the road to Irstead Pier, and now it's tomorrow.  Or if you're listening on the wireless, now it's several weeks ago, but one day less than it was before.  Me and Hand-held Mike are a bit late setting off, because the pub specialises in what they call slow food, so breakfast was a bit late.  Well, I think the sloe gin we had out of Mike's hip flask may have had something to do with it too.  Anyhow, it's not what I call really slow food, so I've given them mother's recipe for Antimacasserole.  Now that takes months to cook.

  Of course, there are other fine establishments in Neatishead.  There's 'Ye Olde Saddlery', which does all sorts of food.  Well, not all sorts, obviously.  That would be impossible.  Anyhow, they've got too much taste to do some sorts - like the ratatouille with real rats they do in the Old Goat Inn.

And there's the Post Office Stores, where you can not only buy your own ingredients, you can also post them off for someone else to cook.

Of course, years ago the Post Office here was run by Old Brown.  He did a lot of business due to having gout.  Well, that meant his daughter had to serve in the shop, and a lot of people came in and bought things just in the hope of glimpsing her ankles.  That's how things were in them days.  The rest of her weren't much to write home about, but her ankles - well!  And, of course, all that writing home was good business for the Post Office.

There's a song about it, but as Mike is putting the music in later, I doubt very much we'll get any of that:

Old Brown's Daughter - Walter Pardon

Now the road here goes left, to Barton Turf, but we don't.  We're going to turn straight, and head down Irstead Road, which with any luck will take us to Irstead - and the Pier.  Just down here on the left is the Nancy Oldfield Trust, which is an outdoor adventure centre for people with disabilities.  I mean real people, with real disabilities.  Not like those people who park in the disabled space at Trunch Village Hall when there's nothing wrong with them.  They're just ignorant.

The Nancy Oldfield lot help people go sailing, and canoeing, and fishing and so on who otherwise might not get the chance - due to lack of parking spaces, probably.  They always need money for their good works, so I hope you'll feel free to send some.  I tell you one thing, though - I bet Mike won't be able to find a suitable piece of music for disabled sailors!

The Kipper Family - The Disabled Seaman

Now we've come to Gays Staithe, which they reckon is named after a local bloke called Billy Gay, although some disagree, and say it's named after a local woman called Elsie Staithe.  But that's their problem, and to tell the truth I've got enough of my own.

Now this is part of a big restoration project.  According to the notice here what happened was Barton Broad was turning into soup.  Well, that sounds alright, until you realise that with all that soup think how much bread you'd need.  So they pumped out enough mud to fill 160 Olympic sized swimming pools.  Now you've got to admit that's impressive.  It must have been a hell of a job, finding that many Olympic sized swimming pools.  Let alone persuading their owners to let them pump them full of mud.

The result here is this mooring, which is also a nice, quiet fishing spot.  But you don't have to actually catch any fish.  Well, a lot of fishermen don't want to.  They do it to relax, so the last thing they want is to be bothered by fish.  In fact, if a fish does accidentally disturb them by getting on their line, then all they do is put it in a keep net, to make sure it doesn't bother them again.

But if you want to know more about fish you should get a copy of that programme I did for Radio 2 - The Lateral History Of Fish.

Fishin' Blues - JSD Band

Now we're getting close to our objection.  We've reached the turn for the Irstead Pier car park and toilets.  Unless you're disabled.  Then you have to park nearer the pier, although you can still walk up here and use the special disabled toilets if you want.  It took me years to work out that a sign saying 'Disabled Toilets' didn't mean they were out of order.  That's all tucked in behind the Barton Angler Country Inn, which we're in front of now.  It says it's a 'Free House and restaurant with luxury 4-poster suites'.  I have it on good authority that one of the 4 posters is the one with the girl putting a tennis ball in her knickers.  What the other three are I don't know.

The facilities at the Barton Angler include 'No pool table.  No ball games.  No play area.'  Good idea.  We've got a no play area in the Old Goat Inn in St Just.  We find it's the only way to stop the Thorpe Market Thespians performing.

But we can't hang about here, because we're very nearly at the end of our road.

This is Sid Kipper, on the road to Irstead Pier.  Only I'm not - I've gone off-road, because I've reached the start of Irstead Pier.  Mind you, officially it's called the Barton Broad Board Walk, but so what?  Officially Cyril Cockle is called a human being, and Trunch Tornadoes are called a football team, which just goes to show.  Although what it goes to show I'm not officially sure.

  As we set off along the pier you may hear two sets of footsteps - that's because of Hand-held Mike, who's doing the sound and picking the music.  Really we shouldn't have them other footsteps, because they spoils the idea of me out adventuring on my own.  But the only way round that would be for me to carry Mike on my shoulders, with his equipment dangling in my face, and frankly there's only so much a megostar can be expected to put up with.

Now Irstead Pier has two ends.  Well, no - all piers have two ends.  Irstead Pier has three ends.  Or, looked at another way, it only has one end, but two beginnings.  And then the two beginnings meet, and go to the end.  Well - if you knew what I was talking about it'd be clear as mud.

Which is what we're heading for.  Because the pier goes out through Heron Carr, through the middle of the wild East.  You can see all the nature and wild life.  I expect it's wild because someone built a blooming great pier right through where it lives.  Then we head out over the mud, and finally we'll come out on the edge of Barton Broad.

Now Barton is known for eel fishing - what they call babbing.  All you need for that is a bit of cotton wool and a knot on a line.  That's all.  Well, that and a boat to hang the line over the side of.  Now, years ago there was a dispute on the broad over who was allowed to bab there, and there was some sort of legal business and so on.  Nobody can remember much now, but that's the story.  And if Mike can find any music for that - well, I'll carry him back down the pier!

Tim Laycock & Syzewell Gap - The Ballad of Barton Broad

And so we've finally come to the end of Irstead pier, and consequently the end of the pier show.  And I'm forced to say it's marvellous.  Well, I'm not forced to, actually.  I can say it or not.  In fact, just to prove it, I won't.  ................  See!

We're on a platform, looking out over Barton Broad, although strictly speaking at this point Barton Broad is called Turkey Broad, but what can you expect?  From the platform we can see Pleasure Island, which is currently being extended to give even more pleasure, and next to that is Dead Man's Hole, about which least said soonest mended.

Beyond that - Great Fen, Little Fen, and Peter Fen, who used to play organ on Sale Of The Century.  There's all sorts of birds - cormorants, ducks, swans, great crested grebes - which are the adult form of great crested newts - and so on.

In fact I tell you what - you should all come and visit Irstead Pier - although I suppose it would be best if you didn't all come at the same time.  Still, I'll leave you to arrange that among yourselves.  Because we've got to go now.  Thank you for listening, if you have.  If not, you don't know what you've missed.  Well, I suppose you don't even know you've missed it.

Now I've got to walk all the way back.  I'll get Mike to put in some going music.  Mind you, knowing him he'll probably choose something daft.  He's a law unto himself.  He's blooming heavy an' all ........

Osibisa - Woyaya