THE CASE OF THE CUCKOOS NEST

Track 1 of  'Spineless'

Once upon a time there was a Princess who was pure as the driven snow and as bootiful as a turkey - which is a compliment where I come from!  Howsomever, she was wholly fed up.  You see, 4 and 20 handsome princes all wanted to marry her.  Well, four wouldn't have been too bad, but 4 and 20 was far too many.  They used to hang about the palace all day, getting underfoot.  Why, she couldn't even get no peace at night, 'cos there'd always be princes climbing up the ivy and banging about her secret passage.  It all got on her bootiful wick!

So one day she went for a walk in the woods, and she decided that the only solution was to marry one of the princes, and that way she could get rid of the other four and nineteen.  But which one should she marry?  Of course, they were all handsome and rich, but looks and money aren't everything - well, personally I'd settle for either, but this is a fairy story after all.  So she decided to set them a quest, to see which of them was worthy of her bootiful hand.  And just as she'd decided that she met a wrinkled old crone in the woods, and she confined in her.  The old crone cackled, like they do, and she said "Tell them too bring you the cuckoos nest, my dear".

So the princess got all the handsome princes round and she said "First one back here with the cuckoos nest gets my beautiful hand".  And not a one of them moved.  So she said "What?"  And one of them said "Well, are we doing this by instalments, or what?"  And she say no, everything else goes along with the beautiful hand.  And they all jumped on their horses and rode off at once to look for the cuckoos nest.

And life became much better for the bootiful Princess.  There was no princes hiding under her fifteen mattresses and making them lumpy.  No-one drinking champagne from her slippers and making them all soggy.  Lovely.

And three long years passed.  I tell a lie - two of the years was just the usual length, but one of them was a leap year, so one long year and two ordinary ones passed, and one by one the princes got fed up and give up the quest.  All except for Prince Nigel, who truly loved the Princess.  He was as pure as she was, and determined to win her bootiful hand - as well as all the other bits of her.  He searched high, and he searched wide.  He searched far, and he searched low.  He searched day in and night out, but he couldn't find no cuckoos nest.

And then one day he met a wrinkled old crone in the woods, and he confined in her.  "Well", she cackled, "as a matter of fact I've got a cuckoos nest.  But if you want it you must sleep with me".  "Good idea", he say - "what with all this searching night and wide I could do with a bit of a kip".  "Well", she say, "when I say sleep I don't actually mean sleep as such".

So he say "Well what do you mean then?"  And she said "Well, you know".  And he said "Well I don't, that's why I'm asking".  So she said "I mean you must satisfy all my bodily lusts".

Well he weren't none the wiser for that, being so pure, so he said "Look, I'm a man of action.  Let's just get on with it".  So they lay down together, and do you know what - after she'd showed him what to do, he took to it like a duck to orange sauce.  And the next morning he awoke to see, there on the pillow beside him, was the wrinkled old crone, grinning like hell.

Well to cut a long story short, she give him the cuckoos nest, he rode off, high and wide and far and day, come to the palace, give it to the Princess, they got married and then they went up to the bedroom - which is where it gets interesting again!  When she stood there without a stitch to her name, her booty was enough to strike a pure man speechless.  So he said "Your breasts are like the ripest pomegranates;  your belly, that's like a dew kissed melon;  your loins - your loins are like one of those rude looking parsnips you sometimes get".  "Well, that's all very well", she say, "but I'm so pure I don't know what they're for.  At least if they was fruit and veg you could eat them".

Then how he blessed that wrinkled old crone who had showed him what to do.  And by the end of that night the Princess had decided that handsome Princes weren't totally useless after all.  And just nine months later they had a little princelet.  But strangely  enough it didn't look like the handsome Prince;  and it didn't look like the bootiful Princess.  In fact, it bore a striking resemblance to the wrinkled old crone.  And it grew up, and made their lives a misery, ever after.