'CRACKERS FOR FANNY'

from Inns and Instability, by Augustus Swineherd

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a large chest, must be in want of a husband.  Fanny Power, however, despite being the possessor of just such a chest, had no such want.

So it was with mixed but powerful emotions that Fanny pondered the advent of Sir Percival West-Runton's Christmas Ball.  As she confided in her maid; "When a man such as he holds his ball, it is the duty of one such as I to attend it, even though I know from previous experience that his balls are not at all to my taste.  It is his part to carry out his part, and my part to lend a hand to his part".

So that evening the carriage, merrily festooned with Holly and Ivy, her two younger sisters, swept down the drive of Woodworm Manor, the West-Runton's family seat.  Fanny was dressed for the Christmas season, with bells and stars in her hair.  Her chest was neither fully concealed nor revealed.  Rather, she carried it before her.

Fanny arrived at the ballroom just behind her chest, which was not only large but also beautifully sculpted.  Every man's head turned at her entrance, but none looked her quite in the eye.  None, that is, save the handsome Mr Arcey.  He was as dark and smouldering as burnt toast.  He was as mean and moody as a bank manager.  He was all that a woman could want - indeed, when the men withdrew he was often referred to as 'the fishes bicycle'.  All this was set somewhat at odds, however, by two Christmas crackers.  These crackers were the very latest thing from town, but no-one had, as yet, resolved what they might be for.  As it seemed ignorant to enquire, people were experimenting with them.  Colonel Cod had thrust one down the front of his breeches.  Canon Cuttle, being somewhat short-sighted, had already eaten three or four.  Mr Arcey wore a huge pair, suspended from his ear lobes.

He approached Fanny indifferently.  "Miss Power", he sneered;  "I see you are out of the Christmas fashion, for you have no cracker.  Pray, let me fetch one for you from the barrel over there".

While she awaited his return she reflected how much she disliked him.  He was everything she despised; a handsome, rich, witty man.  How she longed for an ugly, poor, stupid woman!  But that was not to be her place.  She owed it to her family to marry, and marry well.  And she knew, from Mr Arcey's total and utter indifference to her, that he must be very much in love with her indeed.

"Marry", he cried upon his return, smirking and leering at her chest; "I believe I have the very place for this cracker".  She thought bitterly that he did indeed possess just such a place, and longed to stuff it there herself, but she said only "Marry?  I believe you said 'marry', Mr Arcey?"  "Fanny", he ejaculated, but she ignored him.  "I accept your proposal", she said, "But I will not have it said that I trapped you.  You must agree to it yourself - a nod or a shake of the head will suffice I think".

And Mr Arcey, still wearing those heavy crackers, and fearful for his earlobes should he shake his head, could only gently nod.

And so, as the bells rang in the New Year, they were wed.  And it soon transpired that he had married her only to get hold of her magnificent chest.  Bounder that he was he grabbed it with both hands and rode off at once, leaving Fanny standing at the Church door.  We may not know his feelings, as he later prized it open to discover that it held only an IOU from the long bankrupt Earl of Earlham, and showed unmistakable signs of dry rot.

So Fanny went home to her family, and life went on much as before - except, of course, that being now chestless, she took up a lot less room.

An extended extract of this story can be found in Cod Pieces, by Chris Sugden and Sid Kipper, published by the Mousehold Press.