Horatio, The Sea Lion

This piece of doggerel was a favourite of Sid's childhood, and he would insist on his great uncle Albert reciting it over and over again.  Albert never did get it right, however.  This version appeared in A Boy's Book Of Facts and Flags Of All Nations, a copy of which fell off the back of a mobile library in the 1950s.

There's an old seaside place called Great Yarmouth

Where to Nelson you'll find an erection.

But those who declare that he lived without care

Are sadly in need of correction.

Though in battle old Hori was horrid

To Frenchies, so wicked and sly,

At home, you would find, he was gentle and kind,

In fact he would not hurt a fly.

And if you think that's just a story,

That he might torture flies, p'rhaps by stealth,

There's a tale told in Cley, that he found a sick fly

And nursed it three weeks back to health.

Old ladies he loved with a passion,

One of them and a road his delight.

He'd help them cross over, and over, and over,

No matter how hard they might fight.

But he went to the Nile to fight Frenchies,

Which frankly was just a mistake,

For the Nile, as you know, is in Egypt, and so -

It's an error that's easy to make.

Now the French were known for their knickers,

Which up in the bottom do cling;

Their speech was ill bred, and their letters, it's said,

Had been known to contain beastly things.

So now Nelson went to Trafalgar,

Where all sorts of mayhem was planned;

To those sailors so tough he said "Let's not be rough -

Let's kill them with kindness, and spam".

For spam was his seceret weapon;

He knew all about haut cuisine.

Which is French for hot food, and not something rude,

Whatever you think it might mean.

He'd heard that the French knew their onions,

Or shallots, which they ate, cold or hot;

So Nelson - no quitter - had his crew make spam fritters,

And soon, for the French, that's shallot.

For those Frenchies just couldn't resist them,

And Nelson their chances dismissed;

As they wolfed them down, their fleet he all drowned,

Then, with his friend, Hardy, got kissed.

So Nelson, he won at Trafalgar,

With those sailors so brave and so hearty,

But though they enthused, it weren't all good news,

'Cos he missed the Victory party.

For he died on the deck of his flagship,

As they learned of the Frenchies' downfall;

But though he expired, he's still much admired,

For he'd proved he weren't 'armless at all.

Copyright Chris Sugden, 2007