THE
KILLING OF 'KEELHAUL' KIPPER
Sid has ancestors both famous and infamous. 'Keelhaul' Kipper is, to most historians, unfamous. Yet he was a part of one of Britain's most famous moments - the victory at Trafalgar. But then, the aristocracy always did take all the credit.
Everyone
knows that Admiral Lord Nelson died on October 21st 1805 at the battle of Traf-al-gar.
And everyone knows he was buried on top of a column in the Square the
battle was named after.
Everyone knows that - except me!
Because I know the truth.
You
see 'Keelhaul' Kipper, sailed with Nelson.
Well, 'Keelhaul' done most of the actual sailing - Nelson just swanned
about and took all the credit.
And
at the time of Traf-al-gar 'Keelhaul' was Nelson's Steward on what they called
HMS Victory - even though they hadn't won yet.
It was 'Keelhaul' what handed Nelson his telescope to do that "I see
no ships" bit - although I reckon if he had his time again he wouldn't have
done the practical joke with the soot on the eye-piece.
It
was 'Keelhaul' who done Nelson's washing.
And all that stuff about 'England expects' - that's a load of rubbish.
That was Nelson's underlings hanging out to dry - and you couldn't
expect much out of them unless you was Lady Hamilton.
During
the battle, 'Keelhaul' was Nelson's right-hand man, even though neither of them
had a right arm to hang one on.
And he played a vital part in the conflab.
No-one
know who come up with the plan.
It might have been Nelson.
It might have been Hardy, or one his lieutenants, Freeman and Willis.
But what they done was set 'Keelhaul' up as a decoy.
They
dressed him up like Nelson, poked out his eye, and had him ponce about the deck,
just like the admiral.
The
idea was an enemy snooper might snipe him, by mistake, thereby wasting a bullet.
Now
the battle reached a Peak.
'Keelhaul' paced the deck, trying to draw the enemy's fire, but he had no
luck - unless you call not being shot lucky!
Then Nelson himself come up on deck, and 'Keelhaul' went down on one
knee, to kiss his hand.
And before Nelson could point out this was neither the time nor the
place, that was when the plan worked.
That was when a snooper sniped 'Keelhaul' in the back of the head.
Well, he tried to snipe him in the back of the head, but that was also
when he knelt down, so the snooper sniped Nelson instead.
And
historians tell us that the battle was won, Nelson was the hero, and it was
Hardy what got kissed. But
history is bunk - or, in this case, hammock.
You
see, a while back I was looking for - well, never mind that.
What I found was old 'Keelhaul''s memoirs, what he writ years after the
battle.
Well
that's a big clue for a start.
Because everyone know 'Keelhaul' couldn't write a word - nor anything
else, come to that. He
was totally illegitimate.
And when I publish - well, them historians are going to have egg on their
faces, and cress down their chins.
Because
Nelson and 'Keelhaul' had done a double bluff.
You see it weren't 'Keelhaul' up on deck, pretending to be Nelson.
Oh,
'Keelhaul' was dressed up as Nelson alright, but he was dressed up down below -
until he came up. I
hope that's clear!
And
it was all due to the Admiral being blackmailed by Freeman, Hardy and Willis
over the kissing. So
you see it was 'Keelhaul' got killed at Traf-al-gar.
Nelson lived miserably ever after in my little village of St Just.
I mean, he told them he was Lord Nelson, but they all laughed.
They said "Pull the other one, 'Keelhaul' - he's been buried up a
column for all to see".
And eventually he died of boredom in 1823, and was buried in a pauper's
grave - which the pauper weren't best pleased about, because he was sleeping in
it at the time.
At
his funeral the Vicar said old 'Keelhaul' had never been the same after the war
- what with forgetting who he was - and losing the eye - and being 10 inches
shorter
And
that's the truth. And
if you don't believe me - well, you've got some explaining to do, haven't you?
Like who writ the memoirs?
And why did Nelson's daughter live in Trunch for years?
And how come, on Nelson's Column - the proper one, in Yarmouth - if you
look very close at Britannia on the top, she's winking?
So
when the bi-centurian celebrations came round, I didn't toast no Admiral
- I raised a glass to 'Keelhaul' Kipper, hid away, for all to see, 169 feet up
in the middle of London.
And I'll tell you something else - as a bird scarer he's a disgrace to
the family.
© Chris Sugden