THE SPY WHO CAME IN WITH A COLD

from the memoirs of Sid Kipper

If I didn't know better, you'd think scrapping was all George Kipper did in the war - because he never talks about it, because he signed the Unofficial Secrets Act.  But I haven't signed it, so I'll tell you the story of 'The Spy Who Came In With A Cold':

It was during the Phoney War - when all the countries did was ring each other up and make threats.  George was called up to see Mr Churchill - that's right, the Mr Churchill who ran the tobacconists in North Walsham.  But he was also big in the Home Guard.  First he got George to swear - which isn't hard to do - and then he told him a secret.  He said that there was a spy in the St Just Home Guard.  Vital secrets were getting out, like the opening hours of the Goat Inn, and the number of the bus to Stalham.  Churchill said he wanted George to join the Home Guard undercover, to find out who it was.  Well, George weren't exactly sure what Churchill meant when he said George was the last person anyone would suspect of being patriotic, but of course he agreed to do it - once they'd arranged the fee.  This was all top secret.  If George had been caught Churchill would have denied all knowledge.  He said as far as he was concerned the meeting never happened.  Which was daft, because he said it at the meeting, so if it had never happened, then he'd never said it, had he?  Anyway, who would have caught him?

So - by day he was George Kipper, Scrapper By Appointment, and by night he patrolled the woods with a gun.  Nothing new in that - it's just that he didn't usually go poaching in uniform.  And all the while he was keeping his ears open and his eyes pricked, to find out who it was.  Was it Charlie Cockle, who once had an Italian suit?  Was it Edward Eel, who's sister was known to have had German measles?  George trusted no-one and suspected everyone - well, he'd been told to act normal.

One day, when he was laid up with the ague, he told our Scottish border about it.  Since he was from outside the village George thought that would be alright - it was none of his business.  He'd come to stay near the start of the war.  Odd sort of bloke.  Wore a monocle - and a limp.  Fritz McScmidt, he was called.  Spent a lot of time watching birds over by Coltishall airfield.

Harmless enough, if a bit simple.  I mean, he thought the people on the other end of the wireless could hear what he was saying.  Used to switch on this wireless he'd brought, and talk away to it all about what he'd seen.  Daft as a bush.  Anyhow, Fritz said that in his country what they did if they had a spy was to shoot members of the local population until someone owned up.  He didn't say what they did if they accidentally shot the spy.  Well, George said that might be alright in Scotland, but it wasn't British.

And then George got a clue.  He noticed that Percy Pike disappeared on Tuesday afternoons.  Well, Percy might fancy himself as an amateur magician, but he weren't good enough to disappear himself.  I mean, the only time he pulled a rabbit out of a hat he got myxomatosis.  So the next Tuesday George followed him.  And he saw Percy meet someone.  And he saw what passed between them, and that proved it.  He certainly wasn't a spy.  Not unless the Vicar of Knapton's wife was in the Gestapo, which she couldn't be, 'cos she wasn't tall enough.  As far as George could tell, what with her being horizontal at the time.

So that was that.  George never did find out who the spy was, but the war still come out alright, so I suppose it didn't really matter.  Afterwards Fritz McScmidt went back to Scotland in his tartan leather shorts, and the Home Guard was shut down.  And now there's no sign any of it ever happened.  Except Ernie Spratt's still trying to shift half a bottle of single-malt Schnapps in The Goat.

But George did his bit, and that's what mattered.  That and the money.  Well, George always says "Cash is the sincerest form of flattery".

In fact, there's only one thing to prove the story is true - George never talks about it.  And that speaks volumes.