THE TINKER'S REVENGE

THE TINKER'S REVENGE

or ALL THINGS COME TO SHE WHO WAITS

In those days she lived in the village of Kettleston. And it wasn't her fault. It was just her bad luck to have the surname Bell, and follow the trade of Tinker. Of course, she could have got people to use her first name, but that was Jezer, and on the whole she preferred even Tinker Bell.

But as Christmas approached her fellow tradesmen would give her a really hard time about her name, although they could talk. For instance, there was Turner Round. Without fail he would stop her and ask if she'd be sitting on top of the village Christmas tree this year. And then there was Baker Street. He'd be certain to get her in a corner and tell her that she'd cast a spell on him. And Tinker Bell would have to bite her lip, and smile at their sparkling wit.

Until, one Christmas Eve, she didn't. She'd finally had enough. Perhaps it was Joiner Club, when he asked where she was hiding her wand, and was that why she walked funny? Whatever it was, she decided to get her revenge on the whole lot of them.

Now, in those days when pots or pans broke, people had them mended. Nowadays, of course, people have to get new ones, due to the fact that the old ones don't match the colour of their oven gloves. But in those days - well, I already told you that.

So on Christmas Eve Tinker Bell would normally tour the village, checking over the extra-large utensils that people only used for Christmas dinner, and seeing if they needed mending. Only that year she didn't mend them - quite the opposite.

So, come Christmas Day, the housewives of Kettleston rose early. Mrs Hyde greased up her outsize goose-roasting pan. Mrs Goodun got out her huge ten-gallon gravy-kettle. And Mrs Bike prepared her industrial size pudding-steamer.

And, together, at Mrs Bike's house, they began to cook their Christmas dinner. But imagine their dismay when the goose burnt to a crisp as the fat dripped to the bottom of the oven, the gravy ended up on the floor when the handle fell off the kettle, and the puddings boiled dry due to a leak. I see that you can.

So that year they were forced to serve up a Christmas dinner consisting only of chipollatas, bacon, roast and mashed potatoes, parsnips, sprouts, carrots, peas and apple sauce. And that was followed by as little as sherry trifle with double cream, apple pie and custard, a selection of cheese and biscuits, and assorted nuts. But do you know what? - of course you don't, so I'll tell you: the strange thing was that nobody seemed to mind.

And when their husbands met for a Boxing Day drink in the Wig and Pizzel, Tanner Hyde spoke first. He said he'd always thought goose was a bit greasy, anyway. And Pedlar Bike, he said he found Christmas pudding too heavy. And Herder Goodun, he said his wife couldn't make gravy to save her life, and you needed a chisel to eat it.

And it was so popular that from then on what they'd had became the traditional Christmas dinner in the village of Kettleston.

As for Tinker Bell - well, over the New Year she realised she'd have to move elsewhere. Maybe it was because they'd ceased to do business with her. Perhaps it was the way they refused to talk to her. More likely it was the death threats. Because although she'd done them a favour, they knew, and she knew, that she hadn't meant to. So she moved, and took the precaution of changing her first name to Maureen, and being known by that. And she switched trades. So, on Plough Monday, she started a new job, in a hotel.

And they reckon she lived happily ever after, with her new name, Waiter Mo. But she'd certainly learned the truth of that old saying: "Revenge is a dish best served without gravy!"