The Understrand Sailor

This is the terrible tale of the Understrand sailor, what used to be told on dark winter nights around the fire, out the door, up the hall, down the garden path and into the privy.

That all began many years ago when a fair young damson was saying farewell to her jolly sailor boy in the best way she knew - "Farewell", she said.  And then, as he swung his kitkat over his shoulder and walked off she ran after him and threw herself upon him.  But he threw her back.  "Please, please, please don't go", she sobbed.  But he was deaf to her pleas, and he went anyhow.

And that might have been the end of the tale.

Only it wasn't.  He sailed away for a year and a day.  He sailed and he sailed and he sailed - well, there's bugger all else to do at sea.  He sailed and he sailed until he come to the Cape of Bob Hope, and just then a terrible storm exploded .......... no, I mean it blew up.  That's right - a terrible storm blew up, and he was shipwrecked and drowned to death.

And that might have been the end of the tale.

But on that very same night the young damson was fast asleep in her cottage in Understrand.  And in her dreams she saw her sailor lad, standing by her bedside, all clad in ghostly white and dripping with seaweed.  And she say to him "What do you think you're doing in a young damson's bedroom, making a mess on the rug?"

"Weep no longer, my dear", he say.  And she say "Well, I weren't weeping".  But he carried on as if she hadn't said nothing, and he said "We shall both lie in the tomb together".  And she say "I aren't laying in no tomb with no-one - bugger off".

And with that he mysteriously buggered off, through the bedroom wall, repeating his words "We shall both lie in the tomb togeth-aagh!" - well, her bedroom was on the third floor.  And when she awoke the next morning she couldn't remember a thing about it, although she did wonder about the mess on the rug ......... and the hole in the wall.

And that might have been the end of the tale.

But the next morning, having forgotten the dream, she was down on the shore, waiting for the return of her sailor boy.  She searched the horizon.  She combed the beach.  She closely examined all the groins.  But there was no sign of him.  And then she dimly recalled her dream, and she tried to remember what he had said.  "We shall both go to the zoo together" - no, that wasn't it.  "We shall both tie cockatoos together" - no, not that either.  And try as she might she couldn't remember his famous last words.

And that might have been the end of the tale.

But as she stood there, gazing out to sea, her eyes misted with tears, she din't hear a silent figure come creeping up to her behind.  And then it spoke:  "Shall we both lie in the dunes together?".  And she turned, and she saw him.  "Is it you?" she cried, throwing her arms around him.  "Oh yes", he replied, pulling off his bell bottoms, "It's definitely me".

And do you know, it was him.  It wasn't her sailor boy, of course, because he'd been drowned off the Cape of Bob Hope as you'd know, if you'd been listening.  But she didn't mind.  In fact, she didn't even seem to notice.

And that might have been the end of the tale.

Come to think of it, that is the end of the tale.

The End.