FLORA AND FAUNA

A True Story by George Kipper

(Only the facts have been changed, to protect the author)

One morning Farmer Trout stepped into his farm yard to view the fields and to take the air.

"Moo", said the cow.  "Baa", said the sheep.  "Get back in here", said his wife, "and finish the washing up!".

When that was done, the Farmer tucked his gun under his arm, and set off for his top meadow.

"Riddip", said the frog.  "Wee-wee-wee", said the little piggy, all the way home.  "Wotcha", said his neighbour, Flora, over the hedge.  "I'll tell you what - you'll never get no hay off that slope".

"Quack", said the duck.  "Cock-a-doodle-doo!", said the jackdaw, who was well known for doing impersonations.  "Cobblers", said the farmer - or perhaps it was the other way round.  "Anyway", said Farmer Trout, "What are all you cobblers doing in my top meadow?"

"Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong", went the church bells.  ""Ging gang gooley-gooley- watcher, ging gang goo, ging gang goo", sang the passing scout troop.  "Well", said the cobblers, "You gave us permission, if you remember, for our annual outing.  We're having a picnic, and then we've booked a heavy metal band to play for us.  But what about you, Farmer Trout?  What brings you up to your top meadow?"

"Toot toodle-oo", went the huntsman horn.  "Wheeeeeeeee-ow", went the low flying military aircraft.  "Come in, Good Buddy", insisted his wife on the CB radio.

"Bang!", went the gun, instantly silencing everyone and everything.

"As a matter of fact", said the farmer, "I just came up here for a bit of peace and quiet!"