From 'A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S BREAM'

by Chris Sugden and Sid Kipper

At half past one Derek kept his appointment with Mrs Fry.  No sooner had he got through the door than Mrs Fry swooped down on him and they began a tour of the establishment.

Trunch Primary School (originally Trunch Bored School) had been expanded and brought up to date in the 1950s.  It had the latest double desks with integral benches (which could be tipped up) and holes for inkwells, although these were only used for the weekly hand-writing lessons.

"All week there was no ink, and then on a Friday there was all the ink you could drink.  We had to do hand writing with the old-fashioned drip pens.  That weren't a pretty sight, I can tell you.  I never got the hang of them old drip pens - I always used to dot my eyes across my knees."

"I think you'll find it instructive", said Mrs Fry as they entered a classroom.  "We are very much practical bodies here.  That theory stuff is all very well in it's place, but I think you'll discover soon enough that the classroom is not the place for it.  You try getting thirty wet smelly children to learn their tables with theories and you'll have a nasty shock.  As for the Montezuma Method, well, I wouldn't give it class room!  No, here we trust very much in Mrs Common Sense, don't we children?".

This last was addressed to a class of mixed infants, who had previously seemed to be fast asleep, their heads laid on their folded arms, which in turn were laid on their desks.  As one they answered "Yes, Mrs Fry", and carried on with their sleeping.

"Mrs Common Sense and Mr Smacked Botty", she went on.  "Those are the two most important people in this school".

They retired to her office for tea and biscuits.  Derek would have preferred something more 'with-it', like instant coffee, but didn't like to ask.  A vicar has to learn to drink any number of cups of tea in a day - it's a sort of penance.  A vicar also has to exercise simple politenesses, so as they talked he politely finished up all the biscuits on the plate he had been given, even though he wasn't at all hungry, before placing it on the table.  In fact he was still 'fortified' from breakfast, not to mention lunch.

To his dismay Mrs Fry refilled the plate and handed it back to him.  "How kind" he said, and politely repeated the process.  Once again it was refilled.  This had to stop, so deliberately, if a little rudely, he left a single Arrowroot on the plate.

"You haven't eaten your last biscuit", exclaimed Mrs Fry, so he was forced to apologise and do so, even though Arrowroots were not his favourites.  To his horror the plate was once again filled up.  He managed to suck a custard cream while he thought how to stem the supply of biscuits.

"It seems almost sinful to be eating like this when there are so many poor people who cannot afford even a digestive," he ventured.

"I do so agree", she replied, and thinking he saw a way out, Derek sighed inwardly.

This is not easy.  Sighing outwardly is simple.  Anyone can do it.  You just breath out with a little moan.  Sighing inwardly means you have to breath in with a little moan, which is much harder.  In attempting it he breathed in some custard cream crumbs, which sent him into a paroxysm of choking.  At least this allowed him to break the flow of biscuits, and he was soon able to depart the school feeling very full and carrying a paper bag containing the remaining biscuits from his plate.

Mrs Fry saw him to the school gate.  "Just you remember those poor people, vicar, and finish up your biscuits as soon as you get home.  Otherwise it won't be Mrs Common Sense who comes to see you, now will it?".

Derek returned home with a horrifying vision of her bringing Mr Spanked Botty to the vicarage.