An extract from Chris Sugden and Sid Kipper's long-promised (and still undelivered) book, A Midsummer Night's Bream.

At the Great Hall Ruby Kipper and Coral Cockle were making preparations for the arrival of St Faith's.

"So how many young mawthers will be coming then Ruby?"

(Mawther is a Norfolk word for a young woman.  If that worries you, you should hear what they call some young men.)

"Well Coral, they reckon there might be as many as a hundred and ten.  I mean, that's just a rough figure.  It might be ninety-nine and ten, or even a hundred and one and ten, or something like that.  Enough to cause more than a bushel of trouble, anyway."

"Trouble?  How come you think they'll be trouble?  Young girls don't cause much bother do they?"

"Well I certainly did!" said Ruby, dreamily polishing the big knob at the bottom of the main staircase.  "Before I met my George I caused my share of May Hem, I can tell you.  Come to think of it, I am telling you."

She wasn't, actually, because Coral had gone to empty her bucket.  But Ruby didn't mind.  She was enjoying her memories.

Sid:  "The May Hem is the hem of the May Queen's skirt, and the first three young blokes what touch it become May Kings.  Now being a May King give you certain privileges, so every-one want to be one.  So, as the May Queen appears at dawn all the young men rush and fight and push to touch the hem of her skirt - that's what they call May Hem.  Of course, once the three have been decided there's no special reason for touching the May Queen's hem.  No - after that any girl's hem will do, and they grab hold of them hems and they wont let go for nothing.  That's known as Hemlock."

"So what do you make of the new Vicar then?" asked Coral on her return.

"He wanted me to call him Derek," said Ruby, "But I couldn't bring myself to do it.  Makes him sound like a crane.  Anyhow, I'm strict Chapel of Rest, so I reckon it's best if I just call him nothing."

"That's a bit rude, in't it?  I don't reckon I'd like to be called Nothing."

"Not Nothing - nothing.  You know, like Lady S-D said about that bloke she didn't like - 'I shall refrain from having intercourse with him'."

"Chance'd be a fine thing", said Coral.  "Anyhow, I reckon you'd be the only one.  There's a lot in the village has got the hots for him already."

"That's as may be Coral Cockle, but I'm a respectable married woman, I am, and don't you forget it.  So I'd only do if there weren't no chance of being found out.  It's only proper."

"Oh, fair enough.  I didn't mean to imply."

"That's alright then - as long as you didn't mean to imply.  Anyhow, what'd he want with a couple of tough old birds like us?  When this college lot arrive he'll have his pick of the flock I dare say."

And so the conversation went on, as they worked their way round the main entrance, washing, scrubbing, and prizing bits of shot out of the wainscoting where the old Lord Silver-Darling, Doyley, had taken to practising his shooting indoors after the gout got to him.